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well it is somewhat strange to know that i would be having to start one of these myself a steps program.  i found this page coming to seek help ideas or what ever for one of my friends that has been battling with meth and i have received some very good information and it has help, but there is nothing more that i feel i could do cause.  our friendship is tainted so much that it may never be called a friendship again.  well, i guess i have crossed a line that i shouldn't have and that is one of the things i learned on this site is to not try to start a relationship with a person wanting and working on their own recovery.  that is what tainted the friendship, cause their life to them was not worth much and she tried to have me see her just the way everyone else did but i tried hard and hard to tell her, show her that i didn't but she was unconvinced so i finally gave in and start telling her things i didn't want to say and treated her the way i didn't want to treat her was like everyone else (i am ashamed of that) now i have ruined a friendship that i have had with her for half my life.  when she left my life and started her own she was battling with this addiction and i could have helped then, but then she had told me she worked hard at trying to get her life better so she joined the Marine and was their for 8 years of her life and her addiction was still following not to far behind, she got married to another marine had a child and meth caught up and tore it apart and then time went on she found me and we got in contact emailed and phoned each other, she was doing good in walk she let me know when we came back into each others lives after 12 years of no contact it seem we picked up where we left off best of friend telling each other the things going on in our life and then.  as you would know feeling started to come but i could not do anything then cause she was doing her thing and working hard to be clean and sober and so i had let the chance pass, but she did find someone to be with but it was with another guy working on his recovery walk and after a year and a half they had both fell back into addiction  i had found out in a message on her face book that she had been like 3 weeks sober and i was upset and scolded her about it cause she had dropped us for watching a movie a get together for thanksgiving but all was forgiven cause i told myself that she has to work on this her self, believing that she could do this with out my getting on her case like everyone else.  so the start of this year she fought really hard to get her recovery started again, so one night i received a  phone call from her asking for help, so i said i would be there the next day cause she live a state away and i had to get things sorted out for myself to go and help i talked to my room mates and said that she would be coming down to stay for awhile cause we all lived life's away from drugs and alcohol they said that if it going to help her then they support that.  this is where i learned to not go running in the dark to save some one that is dealing with such a battle, i learned that their battle became my battle too, i had to learn really fast on what they could and couldn't be around and that was a whole task in it's self.  that is where i came to fall in love with my best friend again cause i could she the beauty she had even if she didn't see it, just like all them years ago, when she stayed with us she made my life feel complete again and nothing was missing, but i couldn't tell her.  then she pursued me  after a month of living with us and then i had helped her as much as could with all the little bit of knowledge i did have about meth, i was up at 3a to help her with her first step though i didn't know if that was my place but i sat there with her til 6a or til the sun rose and was off to sleep as much as i could before my daughters woke up and started their day, i sat with her when she cried about all the emptiness she had felt, i sat with her when she cried about the guy she had left to be with a girl that she despises, i was their with her when she wanted to return home to try and work on getting better on more familiar ground but the first time around didn't work so she end up coming to live with us again and that is when the relationship started and we worked hard to find a place she could live to get clean and better her self, still not know i was going to be a hindrance to her walk so i tried to keep things as casual as i could.  then things just went down hill fast.  she found her way back to the state she live and moved with her brother and to this day she is doing good, she is still living clean and sober at a house she had lived when we came back into each others lives.  she is a sight to behold now.  i really am glad that God hears and answers prayers cause she is looking happy and you can see it in her eyes and in her smile.  she still has a lot of work to do and i wish her well.

okay, well with all that being said, why i stared to write this, it is strange to know that all that i had been through with my friend i had my own demons locked away in a place i thought they would be safe, but as you know it they don't want to stay hidden, i guess it's true what happens in the dark will eventually will come to light.  so my most deepest secret happened to surface in the latter part of my friendship with the woman earlier talked about.  so when that all came out it started to snow ball and it had to be dealt with and dealt with fast.  so i enrolled myself in to counseling to help me learn how to deal with these problems cause they were doing a number on me mentally and i talked with my counselor and i talked with her about all the issues i was dealing with and my drug of choice as alcohol and that the last time i had a drink was back in January one drink, but one drink is a drink i am told.  so i tried to tell people the last time i really drank was back in October so the January drink don't count, but it counts as a drink.  so i have come to the agreement that yes January was the last time i had my drink.  any how my counselor has me ready to sign up for alcoholic anonymous classes since that was my drug of choice.  so it's strange to know that i have stuff to work on with myself and it really love that saying "how can you help them if you can't help your self"  i started counseling so i can be there for my daughters and be there healthy.  i have this goal to break the generational curses so my daughters don't have to live the same life i did, with drugs in the home, alcohol in the home or living in a domestic violence home.  they deserve better than that.  that is what i am working on giving them cause they are allowed to know a life with out such misery.   i watched my mother get beat up and i watched her drowned the pain with drugs and i watched her mate drowned his with both drugs and alcohol and i saw that and i didn't live my life like that til i was in my 20's i drank and til i didn't remember the things i did that night so this is my walk to get better myself to tie up all them loose ends so my daughters don't have to live like that with me.   so this is the start of my walk and i will let everyone know how it's going and i could use all the help i can get.  it's strange to know, but knowing is half the battle and using it wisely victories can be won. 

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Well I have made it a little over 30 days clean now...I can hardly believe it!  I'm feeling pretty good in general, but I still have my days when I am really down and depressed...but I'm sure that's normal this early in recovery, so I just keep an optimistic outlook and know that it will get better every day.  Plus I'm thankful for having such a great psych doc that specializes in addiction...my medicine regime is working pretty good for me.  I look like a walking pharmacy half the time, but hey, I figure if it's helping me and making me feel better, then oh well!!  I'm all for being medicated if it works for me...I know others don't like going that route when getting sober, which I can understand why, but everyone is different and it's each individual's choice, so I never judge others' decisions when it comes to that.  In fact I get very irritated at people on sites like this that are judgmental about medication, or vice versa, saying sometimes mean and awful things to others about their choice.  That does no good for anyone and I think if you can't say anything nice or helpful or supportive to others, then you shouldn't say it...it's just simply treating others the way you would want to be treated.
I had a lazy weekend, didn't do anything but sleep and laundry!  I think I mentioned that I've been breaking out in hives because of all the stress in my life...well I think I may finally have them under control with the help, of yes, more medications!  The itching is sooo bad sometimes, that I'd rather be in pain than itching!  And there is no obvious cause of them except for stress, so I'm trying to relax more, but the stupid things still pop even when relaxed!  The first doc I saw gave me a course of prednisone and atarax which seemed to work pretty good, along with taking my xanax...but as soon as I stopped the steroids and atarax, they were back even worse and I was constantly itching...ughhhh....and benadryl around the clock is no help either!  So now I'm on more steroids, a steroid cream, a strong antihistamine and have been using nothing but Aveeno oatmeal soap and lotion...doing a lot better, thank god!
So today I'm feeling better about our financial situation.  My husband lost his civilian job last year at one point, so we had missed one house payment, which we had yet to make up this year.  So guess what??  The stupid mortgage company puts our loan into foreclosure, setting the sale date for this week!  Apparently mortgage companies legally can foreclose with only one missed payment...so beware of MetLife Home Loans (that is our lender)!  Since foreclosure in Missouri is non-judicial, there was not much we could do because the courts are not involved, thus no judge to go with motions, etc.  Plus we have a good amount of debt (mostly thanks to my addiction and bipolar disease)...so the only thing we could really do was file a Chapter 13 bankruptcy :(  So I got that filed last night and we get to keep our house!  Plus we make only one payment on all our credit card debt, cars, etc. to the court each month and will be debt free in four years...so I guess it didn't turn out too bad.  Makes it easier for me because I am the worst person in the world when it comes to paying bills on time because we had so many...plus being ADHD makes it even worse for me!  I'm still ticked off at MetLife though...I wish we had grounds to sue on (which I think we might with my soon to be ex-husband being in the active military and he is deployed all of August, when the foreclosure was going to happen)...so I may research it a bit because I would hate for this to happen to other people that are really trying and getting screwed.  It's really not fair at all.
Well, guess it's back to work for me :(  I just don't feel like being here at all this week.  I wish I could take a vacation, but no money!  I think I might go home early though...find something to do.  Hope everyone out there is doing well and working the steps!!  Take care all.....

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I'm doing good in my recovery, no relapses, so I've been clean a little over 3 weeks I think.  I don't really count the days, just is a pain in the ass to me!!  The guy in my life stopped using the same time I did and hasn't used since as well, so I'm so proud of him as well!  It's been hard at times with both of us sobering up  because we can get real cranky at times and bicker a lot,  but everything is always OK the next day!   It's hard at times staying sober because of all the craziness going on in my life now, but I've been managing to not use, so I think I am beginning to recognize my triggers better and learning solutions to deal with those triggers and to not use.  I just feel so drained of energy lately and more depressed, but I guess it will get better with time.  Boy my mind is just blank right now!!  I guess I should get to work before I get into trouble!  Just wanted to drop a quick post saying that I'm still clean and sober and am actually starting to enjoy life sober and to enjoy my recovery.  Hope everyone else is doing well and enjoying life in general!

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Thought I'd drop in and at least do a short post today!  Well it's Thursday and still hot...it feels like I'm living on the sun!!  Plus now we get lucky with severe thunderstorms everyday and torrential rains, which just ups the humidity...ughhh.  I'm still doing good and still have been staying clean, so I'm so proud of myself!  I mean I do have cravings, but I find those getting easier to resist and just feel better, physically and emotionally, not using!  So to those out there starting their road to sobriety, keep going and be strong!  You will start to feel so much better and find out that life is so much better when you are sober.  Things won't be easy all the time, but I'm starting to learn to deal with the bad things and the feelings I have being clean and not high.  It does get real hard at times with me, but I just take a step back and breathe and relax...and then take on the problem, instead of ignoring like I used to when using, and try to find solutions.  I find that taking time each day to have alone time and even to meditate sometimes has really helped me.  I'm starting to get more honest with myself each day as well, thanks to friends on here!

I'm just thankful to be alive each day, to be sober and for all the friends I have made on here.  This is a wonderful site that really does help people and I try and tell others about this site that are in 12-step programs and those wanting to get clean or are just in the beginning of getting clean.  Not sure what day I am on being sober, but I find that not to be important too much to me.  What's important is that I live each day concentrating only on that day and that I stay clean, and also that I learn to become a better person each day.  Hope everyone else is doing well!

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Well I relapsed on Friday yet again.  It would've been 5 days clean, but I put myself into a situation that I knew I shouldn't have been in and smoked some weed.  I was really hard on myself and was really down.  But then I thought about it and calmed down a bit and realized there was nothing I could do about it now.  Tomorrow would come and I would focus only on that day, Saturday.  So Saturday came, I got up and kept myself busy by cleaning the entire house, did some laundry and then got ready for my usual camping trip for Saturday night.  I didn't dwell on Friday, but focused only on the day and was sober for the day.  I was sober Sunday as well.  It's Monday, back at work, and I have been sober all day, focusing only on today...so three days sober!  I still have about four hours of work, then I go home, eat dinner and spend time with the kids, so the rest of the day should go by with no problem!  I feel better about myself in general when I don't use...and I'm proud of myself, even if it is only three days, that's still three days that I didn't use.

I haven't been feeling well, I think the heat here is getting to me.  It has been hot for over a month now--about 100 degrees everyday and 105-115 heat index with the humidity!  It is so awful...I miss California!  You step outside and instantly are sweating and after like two minutes your clothes are sticking to you and it looks like you have taken a shower...ugh!!!  Life pretty much has been sucking for me lately...nothing is going right.  So I've had a lot of cravings to use lately, but have resisted them (except for the Friday relapse), which is a big accomplishment for me.  Because the first thing I'm used to doing when things get bad is use, and things can't get any worse for me right  now,  literally!!  Will write about it tomorrow...work calls right now.  Hope everyone else is having a good day!

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It's been less than a week and I've been sorely tempted by that computer upstairs.   For an alcoholic, that would be like a beer in the refrigerator.  Tossing and turning, I contemplated several times going back up, closing the door, and getting into the bad stuff.  Somehow I managed to avoid it.

I find the really scary part my willingness to expose myself online to people with a webcam.  That's something that I've not done but a couple of times, but it is dangerous in many ways.  I know it's not safe.  So I need to keep clear of that.  X-rated material is bad enough, but the acting out is what is so bad.

Not sure how I managed to get through the night, but I must have been especially tired.  At any rate it is now morning and I think I can manage the rest of the day.  Today, however, like most days, I will be able to spend a lot of time alone with my computer.  Much temptation.

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Well thought I'd do a quick posting today on here...I usually do longer posts on my blog website.  I just wanted to share with you all that I actually have one day sober, and have been sober so far today as well!!!  I had the worst day yesterday that I've had in a long, long time.  I cried and cried and fought with my boyfriend about his use and other things, they turned off our gas because I couldn't pay the bill, and I then really looked at how bad off I am financially....something I've ignored for the last few years because of my using.  In the midst of all this I realized that I couldn't keep using or I was going to ruin not only my life, but others' lives that I love a lot.  So I just didn't use yesterday...I mean I craved it bad at first, but as the day went on the cravings diminished.  I felt better about myself, the fact that I resisted the urge to use because of all the bad things going on in my life...I'm proud that I learned to deal with my problems without using. 
So I'm focusing only on today and not worrying about tomorrow and not dwelling on the past or what happened yesterday.  I'm scared and I'm sad and depressed at times, but I know I have to do this and I have to do it now.  People always talk about the "bottom(s)" they hit and I think I am at that point.  I have realized that my life is out of control and unmanageable...I finally get what surrendering means, and I have surrendered myself to my higher power.  Someone on here told me that there is only one thing that I have to change if I want to live a sober life, I asked what and he said "everything".  And that is so true.  I know now I have to change where I go, where I hang out, who I talk to, etc.....

That leads to the problem of my boyfriend's addiction issues...those are his issues and I've told him that.  I've demanded that he be sober if he wants to see me and that I will no longer hang out with his friends because they all use.  I told him when he's ready to begin his road to recovery, that I will be there for him 100% for support...and that I need his support now.  But again I'm not worrying about what happens tomorrow, I'm focusing only on today and only on myself and my staying clean.  I really just wish he would've been more honest about how much and often he used when I first met him...I'm not sure it would've made a difference as I was using as well, but we are both addicts and that could lead to a very volatile relationship, etc....oh well, what's done is done and I just have to move forward with MY life and I'll just see where things go, one day at a time :)

Thank you to the friends I have made on here and the advice given to me...it has helped me and I am grateful for that.  Take care all.

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So I read the comments made on my last blog and I would like to say thank you to those who responded with advice.  I always appreciate those who take the time to care about other people and that are sincere.  And I have to say to wiledchild that I love people like you who are very blunt and honest!  It was really a slap in the face for me and a wake up call.  Deep down I already knew everything you said was the truth and that I am putting myself into bad situations, etc.  In the last few days I have been working on the one day at a time philosophy and it seems to be working very well for me.  I focus only on what I am doing at any given point during the day and I find that that takes my mind off of using!  I don't dwell on the past or yesterday and I don't think about what tomorrow will be like or don't think about what I need to do on the weekends.  I find myself calmer doing this and having less cravings, even no cravings some days.  It's already been suggested to me that I need detox, but I really don't think I need detox.  I know I need an inpatient program though!  I need an intensive program where I am working on myself only and am surrounded by others who are just like me and can relate to me, understand me and give support.  I truly believe that only other addicts can truly understand me and what I go through, and that only addicts can give the best advice and support.  I believe all this to be true because we (all us addicts) have the same story basically.  So I am starting to focus on myself a little more each day.  I've realized that I am in no position to deal with another person's addiction problems right now.  And I have finally stood up and set up strict boundaries with my significant other, and I feel so much better and more empowered!  My self esteem seems better as well.  I know it is a toxic relationship, and that we enable each other in using.  And I know it is a load of crap that I have stopped some drugs but not others.  A drug is a drug, and being an addict, I can't use any kind of drug because I am an addict and cannot control my use nor my life when I am using.  I have to stop everything...that is the only way I will succeed.  Because I can take or leave the pot, but if I keep smoking that on  a regular basis, I will move on to other drugs and then it will just  be downhill from there.  I have very bad self-control, and I really need to work on this.  Although I'm sure most addicts would say they have bad self-control!
So instead of sitting at work and worrying about tomorrow, or worrying about the guy I am seeing, I have started thinking only about the job I am doing or just get up and talk with co-workers at times.  I have stopped thinking about this guy and his problems...and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me!  And I think it is getting through to him that I am serious about getting sober, that I am focusing on myself more, that I stand up to him and have set boundaries, etc.  I just really hope that one day he will see how much better life is without drugs and that he decides to get serious about his sobriety...because once I get into recovery, I will NOT be around anyone who uses or deals--this is a necessity.  And I want him to have the drive to get clean for himself, to have a better life.  I don't want him quitting just because I did and that he will be out of my life if I'm clean and he isn't.  He has to do it for himself, because he wants to be a better person and live a more productive life.  He is so much smarter than he gives himself credit for-he could have  a much better job but I think he stays in his job now because it's not full time, it's an easy job and most importantly they do not drug test.  I think his self-esteem problems are a lot worse than mine, and mine are pretty bad!
It is scary going into the unknown world of sobriety.  I can't remember how I am, what I'm like without drugs or alcohol.  I'm scared of having to feel the bad things in life.  I have already wasted most of the life I have lived, and now I want to be a better person and to do the things I've always wanted to do in life.  I need to spend more time with my kids-I feel so guilty because I've hardly seen them in the last month or two and I don't do anything with them.  I know I need to focus on myself, but I have two human beings that depend on me for everything, so that has to factor in somehow into my recovery.  And they know what is going on with me with having an addiction problem...I've sat down with both of them and explained what is going on with me right now and I was very honest with both of them.  I hope they learn from seeing my misery and the problems that happen when you are an addict, I hope it scares them into never touching  a drug or taking  a drink of alcohol.  I am on a lot of medications from my psychiatrist, some of which are addictive drugs.  I have abused some of them in the past, but I have made a huge step lately and have been using them as prescribed because they really do help me and the mental problems that I have.  I was a little scared at first when he gave me scripts for certain drugs, that I would start craving drugs and that it would just be a bad situation all the way around.  But I am proud of myself that I am actually taking them as prescribed, and some like my Xanax only when I really need it.  I am a very high strung person with horrible anxiety-been like that my whole life!  I'm on Suboxone for my opiate dependency and have never abused this drug.  I find it to be a miracle drug because it kills my cravings and I feel almost "normal" again on it.  But I know that technically I'm not truly "clean" because Sub has an opiate in it...but I say who gives a fuck???  The drug is helping me stay away from opiates (my drug of choice, the drug I really love).  And then I am now on Adderall, a low dose.  This stuff actually makes me sleepy a lot of the time!  Diagnosis of ADHD, which I have suspected for years!  With Adderall I can actually sit and do work for hours at a time and focus on what I am doing-before taking it I was so fidgety and up every half hour at least and putting off doing work.  He also thought it might help with my severe fatigue, which it does sometimes, but it really just calms me and I can focus on what I am doing.  I abused some of it the first weekend I had it just to see what the big deal was with it...I guess because I actually need it for a mental problem, that I don't get the high that others without ADHD get on it.  So that was the end of that experimentation as well and I'm back on track taking it as prescribed-I even skip taking it on the weekends--this gives me a break from continuous use plus I don't work on weekends so I don't need it for anything.  But I think this is definitely a big problem/dilemma for a  lot of the addicts out there--being prescribed medications that are needed but have a strong abuse potential.  It is a very indvidualized choice when it comes to this.  I am just really proud of myself that I have been strong enough to stay on track with taking all my meds and taking them as prescribed!!!  It's a step in the right direction.  But I know just focus on not using one day at a time.  I have to make a conscious choice every day when I get up that I will not use...that I will not enable my significant other...that I am a better person when I am sober.  And I keep saying to myself that it WILL get easier with time, that with each day that passes it will be easier for me to stay sober and to really work on my recovery in some way.
OK I'm starting to ramble on and on...plus I really should get work done :)  So take care to all out there and find sites/forums like this website that you like and find people that you like and can talk to and exchange advice with-this will give you some great support, which may surprise some.  I talk with both men and women on here and have had no problems with any of the men I correspond with which I find great.  I have always related better to men than women my whole life.  Even as a child I was always running around with the boys, a real tomboy (still am today)!  But I agree that your sponsor should definitely be the same sex and that you should really try to become friends with and hang out with those of the same sex that you meet in meetings.  Because new relationships, especially between two addicts that are just starting on the road to recovery, could destroy your getting and staying sober-it just complicates things and we definitely don't need more complications as addicts trying to get sober!  Some people should even think about men only meetings or women only meetings.  I definitely think there are issues unique to women and those unique to men.

OK OK I'm gonna stop  now...gotta work.  I hope everyone is doing good and taking care of themselves, and really working the 12-steps.  And focus only on today, it does work!

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  Hi all, This morning I was just checking the recovery sites I've joined. (I've Joined a few after the warm reception and support I received here) and looking through messages. When lo and behold I stumbled upon one from a young girl, who said after checking my profile that she was looking for " love and protection" also she would love to hear from my to exchange pictures and more about herself ( no I am not naive ) , I was shall we say surprised, of course this was instantly an ego boost, it was also disturbing, and instantly brought up a lot of stuff. Of course my male ego was flattered, however there was a private email attached. Initially my first response after settling down the ego was to just ignore this. However after contemplation and a cigarette, I decided to answer this poor young woman. I know your all thinking -You sorry sic S.O.B.- hear me out.  This is what I replied

                    "     I am deeply Honored and Flattered by you message. As you probably already know, most of us come to recovery alone and somewhat unsure of what to expect so a little frightened as well we all come in "damaged" by what we have done to ourselves and what has been done to us by others, some more than others we have all come here via different paths. As such, the majority of us come here with low self esteem or as I like to say "ego maniacs with an inferiority  complex".  We all want to be wanted and feel needed, But mostly we all crave to loved and be part of. This is why after the fist step were we admit to our inner most selves, that we need help. There is step 2 and 3 where I can find support ,love and protection without compare and that is with a Higher power of our own understanding. Yet we all crave that Human element the touch of another human being that cares and loves us. However I can not truly experience this in its purest form and reciprocate until I truly learn to love and forgive myself. It worries me that a Beautiful young woman as yourself would look for this intimate connection where you have. You really have no idea who or what I am by an online profile. You have allowed yourself to be in a very vulnerable place where someone could take full advantage of you and cause much pain and hurt . I strongly advise you to seek your need for love and protection in a GOD of your understanding, and Find a WOMAN sponsor, to guide you through some healing that the may find Love and Healing that you deserve. Please do not take this as a rejection, for I am truly giving you honor and love with my response. Remember GOD does not make Garbage,"

                I am not so ego driven to believe that I was the only one contacted, so am also imploring other men not to succumb to the lure of temptation to reply to this poor young woman. Yes I am well aware this may be a ploy of another nature as mentioned I am not naive.

                This also brought up memories of my early recovery as well as memories all through recovery. Of the strong need in all of us to "feel wanted", to  "Feel Loved", to "be part of something larger than ourselves", " to be Validated as a desirable Human Being". especially in early recovery, once we got a few days under our belts and "think we know something" LOL anybody else remember this, or the times we are just felling vulnerable and lonely, I can recall going to my first Round-up (convention) and my sponsor telling me that he hopes "I get Lucky" I was kinda surprised and said thanks and so do I. to Which he laughs and replies you don't get it do you? To which I replied of course I do you think I'm a child. He say yes I do, in recovery "getting lucky at a convention means " GOING HOME ALONE". Your are not well enough yet for a relationship or to inflict your sickness on some poor undeserving woman. So if you really want recovery and perhaps down the road god willing a loving relationship you will go have a good time talk to people LISTEN to the Speakers Dance with all the woman you want BUT at the end of the night WE will go have coffee and I'll drive you home. To which he began to teach me how that first I needed to find love with a God of my understanding and then through the Wonder 12 step program find out who and what I really am then learn to love and forgive myself then and only then can I have a chance at a REAL relationship and not inflict my sickness on some poor unsuspecting woman.

 He further taught me and showed me how painful relationships in early recovery can really be. As well as of course me thinking that I was healthier than he thought and finding out for myself first hand because don't you know I found "HER" the special one the one meant for me , sent by my higher power, only for us to hurt each other, and not only once. Anybody else remember those.  Seriously though the pain and lessons are one thing, however I was blessed by my higher power not to relapse over any of these pains or my ex's to relapse, However I have seen it happen to many times and to the extent of DEATH, Sadly yes I have seen relationships in early recovery which caused so much pain that some have relapsed and DIED. The point being is that relationships especially in early recovery are a very serious matter. Not to be taken or entered into lightly.

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