I am!

December 8th 2005 is my clean date. Not my first clean date, but my most important one because that is what I have now.

I got into the program the first time on January 22, 1985 in A.A.. It changed my whole life for the better. I had been drinking 24 hours a day and using drugs for years and was isolated and depressed. I was 36 years old and miserable. After about 6 years sober, I got into a relationship with someone who just kind of moved in. That was the way I had always formed relationships when I was drinking and using. I would sleep with someone once and if they stayed oh well. This time I was clean and sober and I did not want to be in the relationship. Instead of saying that, I turned my back on myself. My AA medallion said "To thine own self be true", I should have taken that advice. That was the beginning of the end for me.

Although I didn't full-blown relapse until Feb. of 1997, I was really relapsed in 1991. I started taking Xanax, provided by my partner. I accept full responsibility for my relapse, but I can see how the Xanax was self serving for her, because I wasn't really clean anymore. I began to compromise the principles of the program. I was so unhappy with myself that it manifested in my life as vindictiveness and resentment towards others. I did things that I would never do if I was living the program. I stayed in the relationship and stayed miserable until 2000.  I hadn't been in meetings in 3 and a half years and took large quantities of prescription pain meds. I never picked up alcohol again, thank God.

The relationship ended in June (finally) and I was in AA meetings in July. I quit the pills shortly after and got 3 and half years before relapsing again. This time it was also from being in a relationship, this time with someone who smoked/sold weed. I didn't really like her much either. At this point I sound like a total idiot. Yep, I pretty much was. I extricated myself from her and drugs Dec. 8th 2005. I have been hyper -vigilant to make sure I don't take anything stronger than Ibuprofen since then. I attend meetings regularly  and all of my friends are in  recovery. I have a great sponsor who also has a sponsor. I work the steps and I work with others. i have service commitments and can be counted on to show up for them. I have a loving higher power that guides me through each day effortlessly. I have a beautiful life. And oh yeah, I am single.

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I heard a wise person say "Every decision you make takes you  one step closer to where you want to be or one step farther away from it". I have never forgotten this because it really helps me to think before I make a decision and to decide whether it takes me closer to where or what I want be or farther from it.

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The disease of addiction is progressive.  Over the years I have seen people I know relapse on their drug of choice and die a short time later. Most of us just have to look back over our own drinking/using history to see how our addictions progressed.   

That being said, recovery is also progressive. Any person with months to years clean and sober can tell you how their personal recovery has progressed. I can look back to the beginning of my recovery and remember how hopeful I was that my life would get better. I came out of total isolation and despair into 12 step meetings where people were laughing and sure seemed much happier than I was. It gave me hope. 

As time goes on and recovery birthdays pass, my life has simply gotten better and better. The change is gradual.  At the beginning I just stopped creating so much damage to my life and the lives of my loved ones. As time went on , I stopped behaviors that I started realizing were not part of  the principles of recovery, like stealing, cheating, telling lies, etc. The farther away I got from old behaviors, the better my life has gotten. I still have a long way to go, I probably always will, but my life is so much better. I am truly living a life beyond my wildest dreams. 

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