hello,

The relationship has ended - turned out one of the things I THOUGHT was just an insecurity was actually a gut feeling and she lied to me about it - SO its over - stupid women

LOL

I'm a stronger person today for it - lots of support from the people in my area and the rooms - and by doing the do's i'll get through it - its alot easier with all the support

GOTO MEETINGS and DON"T USE - GOTO MEETINGS and DON"T USE - GOTO MEETINGS and DON"T USE - GOTO MEETINGS and DON"T USE - GOTO MEETINGS and DON"T USE

and when i get tired of that

DON"T USE and GOTO MEETINGS - DON"T USE and GOTO MEETINGS - DON"T USE and GOTO MEETINGS - DON"T USE and GOTO MEETINGS - DON"T USE and GOTO MEETINGS -

lol

Comment (2)

Long entry - but involves relationships and recovery - Update to come...hopefully :)

Hello all.

Today has been a very BIG eye opener for me.  I have basically been living in active addiction for the past 2 weeks, and I JUST realized it today.  Not using but just in my way of thinking, behaviors and how i treated others.

I am in a relationship with someone and YES i know new in recovery why would i bother - but really the aspects behind this girl are very much a sign that we were supposed to START a relationship - even though we are going through our first kind of "fight" in 2 months together - I can relate it DIRECTLY to how I have let go of my "program" and focused only on me and her.

I can pin-point the exact time and place... well TIME anyway when i started to feel like we BOTH wanted to have some space back in our relationship - but neither of us said anything - with that - I decided it was time to figure out a way to make it work with us spending the time together - all the while knowing that it wasn't the RIGHT thing to be doing at this particular time.  BUT my insecurity's kept me from doing what i felt right.  I didn't follow through on my action words of what i was telling people i would make sure to continue doing, and that proved to be a huge bomb to what was growing as a great relationship. 

When i first realized how i was beginning to feel - I didn't take action on how i felt - just figured i was having a slumpy few days but her smile would carry me through - LOL - if her smile could keep me clean i wouldn't need NA.  We slowly stopped communicating to each other exactly how we felt about things - and I stopped working on my recovery in the same way that i have been since i came back to the rooms 3 months ago.  She just celebrated 1 yr clean on the weekend, and that was a rough day for me - TODAY i realize it was because ALL her friends were there - and all of a sudden i wasn't getting all the attention from her that we normally give BUT I also know that I apart of her day and that is something that i need to work on from my self - My insecurity's are not going to be lifted in one day but they can definitly be eased by looking at our situation - and accepting the fact that she really is allowing me to be myself - and NOT worry about cliche things that a lot of people have to worry about.  I don't know what it is - that will allow me to tell her that its fine however she looks and it doesn't matter to me if shes looking awesome or ugly that i like her for HER - and not her outside.

Finally after about 2 weeks of us slowly growing apart - and neither of us telling each other how we felt about each other - it finally blew up - I packed some of my shit up and told her i was just going back to my place - and that's that - LOL - we STILL didn't talk about it - or explain to each other the situation.

Today I prayed when i woke up with my heart - and prayed to see what the fuck is going on in my life - why I'm back into my old patterns - and ways of thinking - because I couldn't find it on my own(BTW did i mention i had one conversation about this with my Sponsor...and beat around the bush with it when i finally did)  After praying and actually meaning what I've prayed for, in the past couple weeks, I read the JFT - and it was a message.  When i goto my morning meeting(HG) I was asked to share on a slogan - I don't' normally do so - but I chose LET GO AND LET GOD - while speaking on that I was able to realize I was SPEAKING what i needed to be told - about just leaving it in his hands and i will get what i need for answers.

During the meeting we choose topics (like most) and one of the topics was SELF CENTEREDNESS - and the other was WHY WE NEED A SPONSOR - well I'll be dammed if EVERYONE speaking in the meeting was able to SHOW me exactly HOW my self centredness BLEW a small thing way out of proportion and led me down a road of how I would normally act towards situations when i was using drugs/drinking. 

I have a VERY big problem with feelings - and self forgiveness - I was slowly coming to terms with it - but when i stopped putting meaning into my program, and was just "faking it till i make it" I lost a lot of the GIFTS that recovery has given me - ONE being HUMILITY and the other being HONESTY and ACCEPTANCE - to be honest i lost MORE then just that - but those are the 3 that i lacked when it came to dealing with my situation with my girlfriend.

I can tell you this - I am falling in love with her - and that scares the SHIT out of me, but I have to accept that i'm not the only one dealing with the fear of those feelings, I have to accept the fact that if I DON"T continue to be honest with her about my needs in recovery it will all slip away very fast - and all of the work we both put in will be for nothing. 

After the meeting I called my Sponsor and we talked for about 30 mins on how I came to my conclusions and I also got some GREAT suggestions about what i was probably TRYING to do with the relationship - and trying to FORCE into situations that neither her or I are ready for.  I know that this probably WON"T be the end of us - and I know its a minor set back in our growth together - and I can truly say I really hope this makes us stronger - and keeps our lives on the same track.

She is a GREAT girl, and I can tell you that ALOT of how i feel for her i can't put into words - but i know i feel it - and that scares me - and I know i have to Talk about those feelings MORE or I will just keep slipping away from allowing her into my heart - I hope that when we finally TALK to night about what happened this weekend and yesterday - that we are on the same page - and I will be OPEN and HONEST with her - no matter HOW awkward i feel.

Sorry it was long - but I think there is a good message there for people thinking that they can do it on their own with no meaning - I am living proof that I RAN from my feelings before - and you can still RUN from them in recovery resulting in the same way - Un-manageable Life - and Obsession about results and things I am powerless over -

HOW it works is Honesty Open mindedness and Willingness.  I need to be HONEST with her and keep an OPEN MIND to the fact that LOVE DOESN'T HURT ALL THE TIME, and be WILLING to tell her how i feel with no reservations about what the outcome may be.

Thanks for listening guys.

Ron Y

Comment (1)

Hey there everyone,

I am from London, Ontario, Canada.  I've been clean only a few 24's right now and thats a HUGE thing for me - I currently just had a xmas with family that wasn't talking to me befor i came clean - and I have to admit it was very overwelming - I actually LEFT during gift opening to goto a meeting - yes it was almost done and NO i just didn't leave i told family i had to goto a meeting and they were ok with it  and when i got there it was great.

There is ONE thing I have to say is that if your family isn't willing to support the fact that even in times they may not understand WHY you need one but will GET You to a meeting just cause they know/understand thats what helps me/you stay clean that is more important than any resistance they may have for you.  This time around for me the fact that I made it to treatment was the turning point in how my family viewed my addiction - They figured that i just CHOOSE to keep going back out - but after finally getting there - now that i'm home again they are trying everything in their power to do what they can to support my meeting sched and everything else

The one thing I have done differently is buried myself into the books and the program this time - I find it very rewarding - when I'm talking to a new comer and am able to point to the basic txt  and show them that WHAT THEY DON"T THINK IS IN THERE is actually in there - in black and white - meaning that not only ME but EVERY addict in these rooms has went through and felt the exact same thing they are right now - and let them know that ANYONE is willing to talk to them about their problems and help them through - its a VERY rewarding program and it does bring things back into you rlife - and if you stick with it good things will happen - NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES - just know that whatever your given in life is a gift from your higher power - and if you dont' get things as quick as some may - its just because your not quite ready - or you don't need it yet - you only get what you need.

Someone told me when i was dealing with a little bit of self pity - and not adapting to the happiness i have in my life today very well, that I was getting caught up on the things i had DONE in the past - and THESE simple words helped me

"Maybe its not what you DID, but what your DOING...." and with that i realized that maybe i'm being rewarded now, today for the way i'm LIVING my life TODAY - instead of being punished for the things i have done in the past.

Just remember your never alone in this battle, when you can't find someone to talk to - PRAY - he will always listen with LOVE and FORGIVNESS and nothing can take that away.

Wish you all another 24 - and I can't wait to read more on this site - its not big - but i'll be promoting it in my city - as its a great resource for people when they don't have any phone numbers starting out!

Good nite

Ron Y

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