Well I have made it a little over 30 days clean now...I can hardly believe it!  I'm feeling pretty good in general, but I still have my days when I am really down and depressed...but I'm sure that's normal this early in recovery, so I just keep an optimistic outlook and know that it will get better every day.  Plus I'm thankful for having such a great psych doc that specializes in addiction...my medicine regime is working pretty good for me.  I look like a walking pharmacy half the time, but hey, I figure if it's helping me and making me feel better, then oh well!!  I'm all for being medicated if it works for me...I know others don't like going that route when getting sober, which I can understand why, but everyone is different and it's each individual's choice, so I never judge others' decisions when it comes to that.  In fact I get very irritated at people on sites like this that are judgmental about medication, or vice versa, saying sometimes mean and awful things to others about their choice.  That does no good for anyone and I think if you can't say anything nice or helpful or supportive to others, then you shouldn't say it...it's just simply treating others the way you would want to be treated.
I had a lazy weekend, didn't do anything but sleep and laundry!  I think I mentioned that I've been breaking out in hives because of all the stress in my life...well I think I may finally have them under control with the help, of yes, more medications!  The itching is sooo bad sometimes, that I'd rather be in pain than itching!  And there is no obvious cause of them except for stress, so I'm trying to relax more, but the stupid things still pop even when relaxed!  The first doc I saw gave me a course of prednisone and atarax which seemed to work pretty good, along with taking my xanax...but as soon as I stopped the steroids and atarax, they were back even worse and I was constantly itching...ughhhh....and benadryl around the clock is no help either!  So now I'm on more steroids, a steroid cream, a strong antihistamine and have been using nothing but Aveeno oatmeal soap and lotion...doing a lot better, thank god!
So today I'm feeling better about our financial situation.  My husband lost his civilian job last year at one point, so we had missed one house payment, which we had yet to make up this year.  So guess what??  The stupid mortgage company puts our loan into foreclosure, setting the sale date for this week!  Apparently mortgage companies legally can foreclose with only one missed payment...so beware of MetLife Home Loans (that is our lender)!  Since foreclosure in Missouri is non-judicial, there was not much we could do because the courts are not involved, thus no judge to go with motions, etc.  Plus we have a good amount of debt (mostly thanks to my addiction and bipolar disease)...so the only thing we could really do was file a Chapter 13 bankruptcy :(  So I got that filed last night and we get to keep our house!  Plus we make only one payment on all our credit card debt, cars, etc. to the court each month and will be debt free in four years...so I guess it didn't turn out too bad.  Makes it easier for me because I am the worst person in the world when it comes to paying bills on time because we had so many...plus being ADHD makes it even worse for me!  I'm still ticked off at MetLife though...I wish we had grounds to sue on (which I think we might with my soon to be ex-husband being in the active military and he is deployed all of August, when the foreclosure was going to happen)...so I may research it a bit because I would hate for this to happen to other people that are really trying and getting screwed.  It's really not fair at all.
Well, guess it's back to work for me :(  I just don't feel like being here at all this week.  I wish I could take a vacation, but no money!  I think I might go home early though...find something to do.  Hope everyone out there is doing well and working the steps!!  Take care all.....

Comment (0)

I'm doing good in my recovery, no relapses, so I've been clean a little over 3 weeks I think.  I don't really count the days, just is a pain in the ass to me!!  The guy in my life stopped using the same time I did and hasn't used since as well, so I'm so proud of him as well!  It's been hard at times with both of us sobering up  because we can get real cranky at times and bicker a lot,  but everything is always OK the next day!   It's hard at times staying sober because of all the craziness going on in my life now, but I've been managing to not use, so I think I am beginning to recognize my triggers better and learning solutions to deal with those triggers and to not use.  I just feel so drained of energy lately and more depressed, but I guess it will get better with time.  Boy my mind is just blank right now!!  I guess I should get to work before I get into trouble!  Just wanted to drop a quick post saying that I'm still clean and sober and am actually starting to enjoy life sober and to enjoy my recovery.  Hope everyone else is doing well and enjoying life in general!

Comment (0)

Thought I'd drop in and at least do a short post today!  Well it's Thursday and still hot...it feels like I'm living on the sun!!  Plus now we get lucky with severe thunderstorms everyday and torrential rains, which just ups the humidity...ughhh.  I'm still doing good and still have been staying clean, so I'm so proud of myself!  I mean I do have cravings, but I find those getting easier to resist and just feel better, physically and emotionally, not using!  So to those out there starting their road to sobriety, keep going and be strong!  You will start to feel so much better and find out that life is so much better when you are sober.  Things won't be easy all the time, but I'm starting to learn to deal with the bad things and the feelings I have being clean and not high.  It does get real hard at times with me, but I just take a step back and breathe and relax...and then take on the problem, instead of ignoring like I used to when using, and try to find solutions.  I find that taking time each day to have alone time and even to meditate sometimes has really helped me.  I'm starting to get more honest with myself each day as well, thanks to friends on here!

I'm just thankful to be alive each day, to be sober and for all the friends I have made on here.  This is a wonderful site that really does help people and I try and tell others about this site that are in 12-step programs and those wanting to get clean or are just in the beginning of getting clean.  Not sure what day I am on being sober, but I find that not to be important too much to me.  What's important is that I live each day concentrating only on that day and that I stay clean, and also that I learn to become a better person each day.  Hope everyone else is doing well!

Comment (0)

Well I relapsed on Friday yet again.  It would've been 5 days clean, but I put myself into a situation that I knew I shouldn't have been in and smoked some weed.  I was really hard on myself and was really down.  But then I thought about it and calmed down a bit and realized there was nothing I could do about it now.  Tomorrow would come and I would focus only on that day, Saturday.  So Saturday came, I got up and kept myself busy by cleaning the entire house, did some laundry and then got ready for my usual camping trip for Saturday night.  I didn't dwell on Friday, but focused only on the day and was sober for the day.  I was sober Sunday as well.  It's Monday, back at work, and I have been sober all day, focusing only on today...so three days sober!  I still have about four hours of work, then I go home, eat dinner and spend time with the kids, so the rest of the day should go by with no problem!  I feel better about myself in general when I don't use...and I'm proud of myself, even if it is only three days, that's still three days that I didn't use.

I haven't been feeling well, I think the heat here is getting to me.  It has been hot for over a month now--about 100 degrees everyday and 105-115 heat index with the humidity!  It is so awful...I miss California!  You step outside and instantly are sweating and after like two minutes your clothes are sticking to you and it looks like you have taken a shower...ugh!!!  Life pretty much has been sucking for me lately...nothing is going right.  So I've had a lot of cravings to use lately, but have resisted them (except for the Friday relapse), which is a big accomplishment for me.  Because the first thing I'm used to doing when things get bad is use, and things can't get any worse for me right  now,  literally!!  Will write about it tomorrow...work calls right now.  Hope everyone else is having a good day!

Comment (0)

Well thought I'd do a quick posting today on here...I usually do longer posts on my blog website.  I just wanted to share with you all that I actually have one day sober, and have been sober so far today as well!!!  I had the worst day yesterday that I've had in a long, long time.  I cried and cried and fought with my boyfriend about his use and other things, they turned off our gas because I couldn't pay the bill, and I then really looked at how bad off I am financially....something I've ignored for the last few years because of my using.  In the midst of all this I realized that I couldn't keep using or I was going to ruin not only my life, but others' lives that I love a lot.  So I just didn't use yesterday...I mean I craved it bad at first, but as the day went on the cravings diminished.  I felt better about myself, the fact that I resisted the urge to use because of all the bad things going on in my life...I'm proud that I learned to deal with my problems without using. 
So I'm focusing only on today and not worrying about tomorrow and not dwelling on the past or what happened yesterday.  I'm scared and I'm sad and depressed at times, but I know I have to do this and I have to do it now.  People always talk about the "bottom(s)" they hit and I think I am at that point.  I have realized that my life is out of control and unmanageable...I finally get what surrendering means, and I have surrendered myself to my higher power.  Someone on here told me that there is only one thing that I have to change if I want to live a sober life, I asked what and he said "everything".  And that is so true.  I know now I have to change where I go, where I hang out, who I talk to, etc.....

That leads to the problem of my boyfriend's addiction issues...those are his issues and I've told him that.  I've demanded that he be sober if he wants to see me and that I will no longer hang out with his friends because they all use.  I told him when he's ready to begin his road to recovery, that I will be there for him 100% for support...and that I need his support now.  But again I'm not worrying about what happens tomorrow, I'm focusing only on today and only on myself and my staying clean.  I really just wish he would've been more honest about how much and often he used when I first met him...I'm not sure it would've made a difference as I was using as well, but we are both addicts and that could lead to a very volatile relationship, etc....oh well, what's done is done and I just have to move forward with MY life and I'll just see where things go, one day at a time :)

Thank you to the friends I have made on here and the advice given to me...it has helped me and I am grateful for that.  Take care all.

Comment (1)

So I read the comments made on my last blog and I would like to say thank you to those who responded with advice.  I always appreciate those who take the time to care about other people and that are sincere.  And I have to say to wiledchild that I love people like you who are very blunt and honest!  It was really a slap in the face for me and a wake up call.  Deep down I already knew everything you said was the truth and that I am putting myself into bad situations, etc.  In the last few days I have been working on the one day at a time philosophy and it seems to be working very well for me.  I focus only on what I am doing at any given point during the day and I find that that takes my mind off of using!  I don't dwell on the past or yesterday and I don't think about what tomorrow will be like or don't think about what I need to do on the weekends.  I find myself calmer doing this and having less cravings, even no cravings some days.  It's already been suggested to me that I need detox, but I really don't think I need detox.  I know I need an inpatient program though!  I need an intensive program where I am working on myself only and am surrounded by others who are just like me and can relate to me, understand me and give support.  I truly believe that only other addicts can truly understand me and what I go through, and that only addicts can give the best advice and support.  I believe all this to be true because we (all us addicts) have the same story basically.  So I am starting to focus on myself a little more each day.  I've realized that I am in no position to deal with another person's addiction problems right now.  And I have finally stood up and set up strict boundaries with my significant other, and I feel so much better and more empowered!  My self esteem seems better as well.  I know it is a toxic relationship, and that we enable each other in using.  And I know it is a load of crap that I have stopped some drugs but not others.  A drug is a drug, and being an addict, I can't use any kind of drug because I am an addict and cannot control my use nor my life when I am using.  I have to stop everything...that is the only way I will succeed.  Because I can take or leave the pot, but if I keep smoking that on  a regular basis, I will move on to other drugs and then it will just  be downhill from there.  I have very bad self-control, and I really need to work on this.  Although I'm sure most addicts would say they have bad self-control!
So instead of sitting at work and worrying about tomorrow, or worrying about the guy I am seeing, I have started thinking only about the job I am doing or just get up and talk with co-workers at times.  I have stopped thinking about this guy and his problems...and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me!  And I think it is getting through to him that I am serious about getting sober, that I am focusing on myself more, that I stand up to him and have set boundaries, etc.  I just really hope that one day he will see how much better life is without drugs and that he decides to get serious about his sobriety...because once I get into recovery, I will NOT be around anyone who uses or deals--this is a necessity.  And I want him to have the drive to get clean for himself, to have a better life.  I don't want him quitting just because I did and that he will be out of my life if I'm clean and he isn't.  He has to do it for himself, because he wants to be a better person and live a more productive life.  He is so much smarter than he gives himself credit for-he could have  a much better job but I think he stays in his job now because it's not full time, it's an easy job and most importantly they do not drug test.  I think his self-esteem problems are a lot worse than mine, and mine are pretty bad!
It is scary going into the unknown world of sobriety.  I can't remember how I am, what I'm like without drugs or alcohol.  I'm scared of having to feel the bad things in life.  I have already wasted most of the life I have lived, and now I want to be a better person and to do the things I've always wanted to do in life.  I need to spend more time with my kids-I feel so guilty because I've hardly seen them in the last month or two and I don't do anything with them.  I know I need to focus on myself, but I have two human beings that depend on me for everything, so that has to factor in somehow into my recovery.  And they know what is going on with me with having an addiction problem...I've sat down with both of them and explained what is going on with me right now and I was very honest with both of them.  I hope they learn from seeing my misery and the problems that happen when you are an addict, I hope it scares them into never touching  a drug or taking  a drink of alcohol.  I am on a lot of medications from my psychiatrist, some of which are addictive drugs.  I have abused some of them in the past, but I have made a huge step lately and have been using them as prescribed because they really do help me and the mental problems that I have.  I was a little scared at first when he gave me scripts for certain drugs, that I would start craving drugs and that it would just be a bad situation all the way around.  But I am proud of myself that I am actually taking them as prescribed, and some like my Xanax only when I really need it.  I am a very high strung person with horrible anxiety-been like that my whole life!  I'm on Suboxone for my opiate dependency and have never abused this drug.  I find it to be a miracle drug because it kills my cravings and I feel almost "normal" again on it.  But I know that technically I'm not truly "clean" because Sub has an opiate in it...but I say who gives a fuck???  The drug is helping me stay away from opiates (my drug of choice, the drug I really love).  And then I am now on Adderall, a low dose.  This stuff actually makes me sleepy a lot of the time!  Diagnosis of ADHD, which I have suspected for years!  With Adderall I can actually sit and do work for hours at a time and focus on what I am doing-before taking it I was so fidgety and up every half hour at least and putting off doing work.  He also thought it might help with my severe fatigue, which it does sometimes, but it really just calms me and I can focus on what I am doing.  I abused some of it the first weekend I had it just to see what the big deal was with it...I guess because I actually need it for a mental problem, that I don't get the high that others without ADHD get on it.  So that was the end of that experimentation as well and I'm back on track taking it as prescribed-I even skip taking it on the weekends--this gives me a break from continuous use plus I don't work on weekends so I don't need it for anything.  But I think this is definitely a big problem/dilemma for a  lot of the addicts out there--being prescribed medications that are needed but have a strong abuse potential.  It is a very indvidualized choice when it comes to this.  I am just really proud of myself that I have been strong enough to stay on track with taking all my meds and taking them as prescribed!!!  It's a step in the right direction.  But I know just focus on not using one day at a time.  I have to make a conscious choice every day when I get up that I will not use...that I will not enable my significant other...that I am a better person when I am sober.  And I keep saying to myself that it WILL get easier with time, that with each day that passes it will be easier for me to stay sober and to really work on my recovery in some way.
OK I'm starting to ramble on and on...plus I really should get work done :)  So take care to all out there and find sites/forums like this website that you like and find people that you like and can talk to and exchange advice with-this will give you some great support, which may surprise some.  I talk with both men and women on here and have had no problems with any of the men I correspond with which I find great.  I have always related better to men than women my whole life.  Even as a child I was always running around with the boys, a real tomboy (still am today)!  But I agree that your sponsor should definitely be the same sex and that you should really try to become friends with and hang out with those of the same sex that you meet in meetings.  Because new relationships, especially between two addicts that are just starting on the road to recovery, could destroy your getting and staying sober-it just complicates things and we definitely don't need more complications as addicts trying to get sober!  Some people should even think about men only meetings or women only meetings.  I definitely think there are issues unique to women and those unique to men.

OK OK I'm gonna stop  now...gotta work.  I hope everyone is doing good and taking care of themselves, and really working the 12-steps.  And focus only on today, it does work!

Comment (0)

Man does time go by fast anymore!  I can't believe it is already June and summer is here.  I'm still using so I have no clean time yet.  I've been trying and trying and it just isn't clicking yet with me.  I'm to the point where I just can't do it anymore-drugs are ruining my life and I am to the point where I don't care whether I live or die.  I wish sometimes that I could just disappear or just runaway, but I know that won't solve my problems and my addiction.  I do think about dying a lot lately, but I could never be that selfish-I have two children who need me, as well as my mom and dad, among others.  So please no one panic that I'm going to kill myself...I just think about it, and don't plan on acting on those thoughts.  I really need to find a solution to this addiction problem that has had a hold of me my whole life.  And I know it's really simple:  just stop using, make the decision to not use!  So in theory there is a simple solution to my problem, but in reality it isn't that simple to me to quit using.  I know I need to change everything in my life-change where I go, my friends that use and just basically anything that triggers me wanting to use.  The hard part with this is that I have someone very close to me in my life that is actively using and I'm not sure how to deal with that.  I guess I just need to focus on my sobriety and hope that maybe this person will follow my lead in getting clean.  I've been trying to get him to go to meetings with me, but he doesn't want to be in the same meeting as me-this I kind of understand, but again find a little odd considering we've used together and pretty much know everything about the other person.  But I guess it's everyone's individual choice.

I have managed to stop using some of the drugs I have been using, so that is a little step forward.  I'm starting to get out and do things on the weekends, like camping, fishing, swimming, etc., and these things help keep my mind off of using.  The outdoors have always been peaceful for me, I feel more at ease and calmer when outdoors doing things.  I find that I like to be alone a lot lately as well.  I tend not to use at all when I am alone, especially if alone outdoors swimming in a lake or whatever.  The only thing is that my family does not understand all of this.  I just think it is so hard for non-addicts to really understand and support addicts in their lives and getting sober.  Those non-addicts in my life should really get educated more about the disease and go to open meetings or something like Alanon where they can hear others' stories and other addict's stories and issues. 
I'm just grateful for the friends I have made on this site.  I like getting on here and opening my mail from others on here, others that can relate to me as an addict.  It's also inspiring to hear others' stories of their lives and their clean time and how they work the steps.  And it lets me know that I'm nothing special just because I'm an addict, that there are tons of people out there that have the same problem as I do and even more so that there are others that have had a way harder life than me and have bigger issues than me, yet they have managed to get clean and stay clean.  If they can do it, so can I.  I just need to take that jump into sobriety.  I know it's going to probably be the hardest thing I ever have to do, but I have to do it (no more excuses).  Like I said, I'm at the point where I need to quit NOW, otherwise I'm going to not only ruin my life, but I'm going to bring others down with me in my life.  And that just isn't right nor fair to them.  I owe it to my children to get clean, and to be a better role model for them.  My 16 year old has now tried alcohol and pot and is regularly smoking cigarettes now, which just breaks my heart.  I'm watching him closely and hoping to God that he doesn't fall into the addiction curse.  And I know that if he does start down that path that it is going to be hard if not impossible to stop it--I know when I was at that age using that nothing would've stopped me, hell rehab didn't!  It just really scares me and I am really worried about him.  He has no motivation to do anything and is basically flunking out of school.  He wants to quit and do a GED program.  I just don't know what to do with him-he just doesn't care about anything anymore it seems.  I want him to do something with his life.  I'm thinking about taking him to meetings with me.  And I'm definitely getting him into counseling hoping that he will talk more openly with someone else and that he might listen more to someone else.

Anyways that's how my life has been going lately.  Not too well....but I'm trying to make it better.  For me, it's just so much easier to use and ignore everything bad in my life, it has always been that way.  I need to learn how to cope and deal with my emotions and feelings without substance abuse, and to me that's a really hard thing for an addict to do.  Especially since I've basically done this my whole life....so I really need to focus more on step 1 I think.  To really take an honest look at my addiction and to be honest with myself and others more.  And to take it one day at a time, to not worry about tomorrow or yesterday (because I can't change what has happened in the past)...to focus on today, to be the best person I can today. 

Comment (3)

I've met a couple of great people on this site that I talk to through email, but this is my first blog entry on the site.  I'm a 35 year old female, I'm married (though will be divorced in the future sometime), have two boys (9 and 15 years old), work as a lawyer and am an addict.  I took my first drink at 14, smoked my first joint at 15 and first did LSD,cocaine, crack, opium and other various drugs for the first time at 16.  I had a really bad acid trip at 16, so bad that I had to wake my mom up in the middle of the night and tell her.  Boy was that something to see-she was freaking out.  So she sat up with me until she could get me in to see my doctor in the morning.  And of course she is asking all kinds of questions about my drug use, etc., and me being in another world tripping, it just all came out of me!  I told her about all the drugs I'd been doing and whatnot.  So the doc the next morning said I'd be fine and gave a shot of something to stop my throwing up.  I tripped for two days and finally fell into a "coma" for a few days.  When I finally got up it hit me what I had done and what my mom now knew!  Well off to a rehab program for me.  It helped me a little in dealing with the underlying issues I had (sexual abuse when I was young, rape when a teenager, my family's addiction issues, etc.), but I continued to use.  In fact my use became quite a bit heavier, I was using cocaine on a regular basis, even in the bathroom stalls at school.

So I stopped using at 19 when I found out I was pregnant with my first son-of course I didn't find out until my second month, so I did expose him to some drug use, but thankfully he came out fine!  I nursed for a month or two, and when that stopped, I was right out using again.  I also became a heavy drinker at this point.  Since then, I don't think I've ever been completely sober on any given day.  I am currently on a Suboxone program for the addiction I picked up to pain meds a couple of years ago.  But I've had relapses here and there of street drugs.  My last relapse was about a week ago...let's just say it was real bad, in fact I'm surprised I didn't OD or die with the amounts of drugs in me.  And I don't use just one drug when I use, I like to mix multiple drugs together.  So anyway, here I am, a white girl driving in the worst parts of the city.  I knew eventually someone would stop me, and sure enough they did.  I bought some crack and almost got the heroin he threw into my lap.  But I knew if I would've gotten that heroin, that would've been it for me......I'd be going down a path that would kill me.  So got the crack and drove on-almost got busted too, a cop was right up at the intersection where I was going.  It was all an adrenaline rush, but when I thought about it later, I thought how stupid could I be?  I could lose my bar license over something like that.

I'm not sure why I even touch crack anymore.  Smoke it away until gone, then I crash into a coma like sleep and wake up depressed, and jonesing for more.  I've started AA meetings, found one I like.   I need to get a sponsor too.  I'm still using too....I don't know if I can be completely sober.  I mostly use prescription drugs now and lots of mj.  Well, I'll write more later....need to get ready for my meeting and have so much other shit going on right now-I feel like I'm living a nightmare!

Comment (3)