“Get your fu**ing hands off me or I’ll break your arm!”

Believe it or not, that was me… 2 days ago.

I have not picked up a drink or drug since and nor do I intend to, I am still clean. 

This, shockingly, is the extremities of which this disease can get you back out there, exactly where it wants you, and lies to you about. 

I was speaking to a fellow addict about the tools and defenses that working a solid program, offers.

They can offer us complete freedom from active addiction. They promise us a day clean, to be ‘Happy, joyous and free’. They give us beautiful friendships and the abilities to mend broken family relationships. They can give us a day free from obsession and compulsion of using, drinking or whatever your ‘poison’ of choice may have been or is.

The program promises us Peace. We will gain a comprehension of the word serenity. Fear and self-seeking will slip away. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us, what we could not do for ourselves.

I don’t know about you, but I WANT those things, and it IS possible…

SO LONG AS WE FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS!

We wouldn’t pick up a monopoly set and expect to win the game if we weren’t using a dice? Would we?

So simple, yet, in the madness of it all, this simple factor can easily be overlooked. Throw in a few external influences or equations in the mix, much like having a job say, in a bar. Or accepting ‘headache pills’ off someone who you know as a fact is flat out using and would quite like you to be also. And you may drift farther from the monopoly game than you ever anticipated. End’s up, you’ll most likely miserably lose the game and be doomed into a dark corner of self-defeat and desperation.

Only few after all would straight away notice their failure and question ‘What do I need to win the game?’

But these all seem a little off key and fabricated don’t you think?

I think NOT.

I have seen innumerable amounts of addicts and alcoholics attempting to play that game of monopoly in full sight there is no dice. 

SO WHY DO IT? 

All in the name of time perhaps? Or is it miscommunication regarding what they think they need or should be using to be immune? Have they not been shown the tool kit and been shown how to use those tools? Is something along the line going wrong and is that Chinese whisper getting diluted along the pathway?… Er, the pathway of recovery people!!!

We aren’t dealing with a game, a useless book of words or a bunch of suggestions made up by a load of drunks. We are dealing with a matter of LIFE OR DEATH. The disease of addiction wants to KILL us. You don’t mess around with this. The simple formula would surly conclude to; Do it or die!!

I’m not saying that I am God’s gift to the program, far from it. But I have implemented the tools that were so kindly and lovingly passed onto me in order to maximize my survival and recovery.

I would be happy to work in a bar, after all, the tips are good and the hours are flexible. But I wouldn’t be saying that if it weren’t for the VITAL spiritual awakening I have gained through using the tools provided; A mental defense against that first drink!!!

By taking the steps, working with others and practicing the principles in all my affairs. 

All in the name of the above said incident, I discovered that my break down in anger management and a sense of spirituality was indeed the product of one of those tools in my box being left some what un attended. And the longer I go without using that tool, if the shed is still standing, I begin to think that hammer isn’t needed. Until my shed disintegrates and I say, GET DRUNK!

I am of course, projecting into worse case scenario here but I fail to realize that without one, the rest become obsolete.

I was experiencing an outburst of emotions due to me not being able to understand why I was so angry at someone whom I had a week previous, made an amend to (to those of you who don’t, BUT SHOULD know, Step 9).

So I used one of my tools and phoned my sponsor. Who clearly pointed out to me I was experiencing “self will”

“I chuffing know that” I replied, “But how do I stop myself feeling like this and why am I so angry!?” I continued…

If an amend has not been successful (step 9) then surly that is because you weren’t entirely willing (step 8). And if you were not willing then you wouldn’t have been humble enough to ask God to remove your shortcoming (step 7) because you hadn’t been entirely ready to have your defect removed (step 6). And this is most likely because you weren’t admitting (step 5) your resentments, and being searching and fearless in admitting them (step 4) because you were in the belief that your sanity was already restored (step 3) And you didn’t believe God could restore you (step 2) because you hadn’t surrendered your powerlessness (step 1).

BAM! Obsession! I NEED a drink!

I immediately calculated that because I still had a resentment towards this person, I wouldn’t be able to shake my anger and confusion without following Steps 1 through 3, doing a thorough searching and fearless inventory on them, admitting that wrong to my sponsor and God. Praying for willingness to become entirely ready for that defect to be removed, asking God to remove it and then visit my harms and amends list. Whilst working through steps 9-12. Simple.

Actually, I wouldn’t care if it weren’t simple. These are the tools I NEED and MUST use in order to maintain my sobriety and immunity from the disease of addiction. Without working the whole 12 steps and using all my tools in my recovery toolbox, I won’t stay clean. And I DON’T plan on dying today.

Not much of a monopoly game now is it? I certainly try at all times to keep clear sight of that dice.

Until next time…

Ivy.