Long entry - but involves relationships and recovery - Update to come...hopefully :)

Hello all.

Today has been a very BIG eye opener for me.  I have basically been living in active addiction for the past 2 weeks, and I JUST realized it today.  Not using but just in my way of thinking, behaviors and how i treated others.

I am in a relationship with someone and YES i know new in recovery why would i bother - but really the aspects behind this girl are very much a sign that we were supposed to START a relationship - even though we are going through our first kind of "fight" in 2 months together - I can relate it DIRECTLY to how I have let go of my "program" and focused only on me and her.

I can pin-point the exact time and place... well TIME anyway when i started to feel like we BOTH wanted to have some space back in our relationship - but neither of us said anything - with that - I decided it was time to figure out a way to make it work with us spending the time together - all the while knowing that it wasn't the RIGHT thing to be doing at this particular time.  BUT my insecurity's kept me from doing what i felt right.  I didn't follow through on my action words of what i was telling people i would make sure to continue doing, and that proved to be a huge bomb to what was growing as a great relationship. 

When i first realized how i was beginning to feel - I didn't take action on how i felt - just figured i was having a slumpy few days but her smile would carry me through - LOL - if her smile could keep me clean i wouldn't need NA.  We slowly stopped communicating to each other exactly how we felt about things - and I stopped working on my recovery in the same way that i have been since i came back to the rooms 3 months ago.  She just celebrated 1 yr clean on the weekend, and that was a rough day for me - TODAY i realize it was because ALL her friends were there - and all of a sudden i wasn't getting all the attention from her that we normally give BUT I also know that I apart of her day and that is something that i need to work on from my self - My insecurity's are not going to be lifted in one day but they can definitly be eased by looking at our situation - and accepting the fact that she really is allowing me to be myself - and NOT worry about cliche things that a lot of people have to worry about.  I don't know what it is - that will allow me to tell her that its fine however she looks and it doesn't matter to me if shes looking awesome or ugly that i like her for HER - and not her outside.

Finally after about 2 weeks of us slowly growing apart - and neither of us telling each other how we felt about each other - it finally blew up - I packed some of my shit up and told her i was just going back to my place - and that's that - LOL - we STILL didn't talk about it - or explain to each other the situation.

Today I prayed when i woke up with my heart - and prayed to see what the fuck is going on in my life - why I'm back into my old patterns - and ways of thinking - because I couldn't find it on my own(BTW did i mention i had one conversation about this with my Sponsor...and beat around the bush with it when i finally did)  After praying and actually meaning what I've prayed for, in the past couple weeks, I read the JFT - and it was a message.  When i goto my morning meeting(HG) I was asked to share on a slogan - I don't' normally do so - but I chose LET GO AND LET GOD - while speaking on that I was able to realize I was SPEAKING what i needed to be told - about just leaving it in his hands and i will get what i need for answers.

During the meeting we choose topics (like most) and one of the topics was SELF CENTEREDNESS - and the other was WHY WE NEED A SPONSOR - well I'll be dammed if EVERYONE speaking in the meeting was able to SHOW me exactly HOW my self centredness BLEW a small thing way out of proportion and led me down a road of how I would normally act towards situations when i was using drugs/drinking. 

I have a VERY big problem with feelings - and self forgiveness - I was slowly coming to terms with it - but when i stopped putting meaning into my program, and was just "faking it till i make it" I lost a lot of the GIFTS that recovery has given me - ONE being HUMILITY and the other being HONESTY and ACCEPTANCE - to be honest i lost MORE then just that - but those are the 3 that i lacked when it came to dealing with my situation with my girlfriend.

I can tell you this - I am falling in love with her - and that scares the SHIT out of me, but I have to accept that i'm not the only one dealing with the fear of those feelings, I have to accept the fact that if I DON"T continue to be honest with her about my needs in recovery it will all slip away very fast - and all of the work we both put in will be for nothing. 

After the meeting I called my Sponsor and we talked for about 30 mins on how I came to my conclusions and I also got some GREAT suggestions about what i was probably TRYING to do with the relationship - and trying to FORCE into situations that neither her or I are ready for.  I know that this probably WON"T be the end of us - and I know its a minor set back in our growth together - and I can truly say I really hope this makes us stronger - and keeps our lives on the same track.

She is a GREAT girl, and I can tell you that ALOT of how i feel for her i can't put into words - but i know i feel it - and that scares me - and I know i have to Talk about those feelings MORE or I will just keep slipping away from allowing her into my heart - I hope that when we finally TALK to night about what happened this weekend and yesterday - that we are on the same page - and I will be OPEN and HONEST with her - no matter HOW awkward i feel.

Sorry it was long - but I think there is a good message there for people thinking that they can do it on their own with no meaning - I am living proof that I RAN from my feelings before - and you can still RUN from them in recovery resulting in the same way - Un-manageable Life - and Obsession about results and things I am powerless over -

HOW it works is Honesty Open mindedness and Willingness.  I need to be HONEST with her and keep an OPEN MIND to the fact that LOVE DOESN'T HURT ALL THE TIME, and be WILLING to tell her how i feel with no reservations about what the outcome may be.

Thanks for listening guys.

Ron Y