Man does time go by fast anymore! I can't believe it is already June and summer is here. I'm still using so I have no clean time yet. I've been trying and trying and it just isn't clicking yet with me. I'm to the point where I just can't do it anymore-drugs are ruining my life and I am to the point where I don't care whether I live or die. I wish sometimes that I could just disappear or just runaway, but I know that won't solve my problems and my addiction. I do think about dying a lot lately, but I could never be that selfish-I have two children who need me, as well as my mom and dad, among others. So please no one panic that I'm going to kill myself...I just think about it, and don't plan on acting on those thoughts. I really need to find a solution to this addiction problem that has had a hold of me my whole life. And I know it's really simple: just stop using, make the decision to not use! So in theory there is a simple solution to my problem, but in reality it isn't that simple to me to quit using. I know I need to change everything in my life-change where I go, my friends that use and just basically anything that triggers me wanting to use. The hard part with this is that I have someone very close to me in my life that is actively using and I'm not sure how to deal with that. I guess I just need to focus on my sobriety and hope that maybe this person will follow my lead in getting clean. I've been trying to get him to go to meetings with me, but he doesn't want to be in the same meeting as me-this I kind of understand, but again find a little odd considering we've used together and pretty much know everything about the other person. But I guess it's everyone's individual choice.
I have managed to stop using some of the drugs I have been using, so that is a little step forward. I'm starting to get out and do things on the weekends, like camping, fishing, swimming, etc., and these things help keep my mind off of using. The outdoors have always been peaceful for me, I feel more at ease and calmer when outdoors doing things. I find that I like to be alone a lot lately as well. I tend not to use at all when I am alone, especially if alone outdoors swimming in a lake or whatever. The only thing is that my family does not understand all of this. I just think it is so hard for non-addicts to really understand and support addicts in their lives and getting sober. Those non-addicts in my life should really get educated more about the disease and go to open meetings or something like Alanon where they can hear others' stories and other addict's stories and issues.
I'm just grateful for the friends I have made on this site. I like getting on here and opening my mail from others on here, others that can relate to me as an addict. It's also inspiring to hear others' stories of their lives and their clean time and how they work the steps. And it lets me know that I'm nothing special just because I'm an addict, that there are tons of people out there that have the same problem as I do and even more so that there are others that have had a way harder life than me and have bigger issues than me, yet they have managed to get clean and stay clean. If they can do it, so can I. I just need to take that jump into sobriety. I know it's going to probably be the hardest thing I ever have to do, but I have to do it (no more excuses). Like I said, I'm at the point where I need to quit NOW, otherwise I'm going to not only ruin my life, but I'm going to bring others down with me in my life. And that just isn't right nor fair to them. I owe it to my children to get clean, and to be a better role model for them. My 16 year old has now tried alcohol and pot and is regularly smoking cigarettes now, which just breaks my heart. I'm watching him closely and hoping to God that he doesn't fall into the addiction curse. And I know that if he does start down that path that it is going to be hard if not impossible to stop it--I know when I was at that age using that nothing would've stopped me, hell rehab didn't! It just really scares me and I am really worried about him. He has no motivation to do anything and is basically flunking out of school. He wants to quit and do a GED program. I just don't know what to do with him-he just doesn't care about anything anymore it seems. I want him to do something with his life. I'm thinking about taking him to meetings with me. And I'm definitely getting him into counseling hoping that he will talk more openly with someone else and that he might listen more to someone else.
Anyways that's how my life has been going lately. Not too well....but I'm trying to make it better. For me, it's just so much easier to use and ignore everything bad in my life, it has always been that way. I need to learn how to cope and deal with my emotions and feelings without substance abuse, and to me that's a really hard thing for an addict to do. Especially since I've basically done this my whole life....so I really need to focus more on step 1 I think. To really take an honest look at my addiction and to be honest with myself and others more. And to take it one day at a time, to not worry about tomorrow or yesterday (because I can't change what has happened in the past)...to focus on today, to be the best person I can today.
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john t
said:
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Follow the Suggestions Sometimes just doing what we're told when we get here can help the most, but one must remember that if we take care of ourselves the rest will fall into place. Even when it seems that there is no way that it can. Remember that we are not the ones in total control of the situation. After some time in the rooms it may mean dropping those around us who refuse to stop using is necessary for us to survive. One can be pulled down by a drowning person to be drowned ourselves when we are just trying to save them. Sometimes we must look out for ourselves first and let our High Power help our loved ones. Go to meetings, pray for that still suffering addict friend/significant other and most of all talk to someone in the program before you decide to pick up. Surround yourself with new friends , people in the fellowship and tell them what you want and need help with. I beat if you do that, you wont' use. I'll keep coming back and I hope you do too. |
keven
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... A full life “The program works a miracle in our lives.... We become free to live.” Basic Text, p. 11 ––––=–––– Most of us—if we’ve been in recovery for any length of time at all—have heard some member complaining in a meeting about being terribly overworked, too busy for meetings or sponsorship or other activities. In fact, we may have been the complaining member. The days seem so full: job, family and friends, meetings, activities, sponsorship, step work. “There just aren’t enough hours in the day,” the member complains, “to get everything done and meet everyone’s demands on my time!” When this happens, usually there’s soft laughter from some of the other members—probably members who had planned to grumble about the same sort of thing. The laughter stems from our recognition that we are complaining about the miracle of the life that is ours today. Not so long ago, few of us were capable of having any of these “problems” in our life. We devoted all of our energy to maintaining our active addiction. Today we have full lives, complete with all the feelings and problems that go with living in reality. ––––=–––– Just for today: I will remember that my life is a miracle. Instead of resenting how busy I am, I will be thankful my life is so full. |
wiledchild
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solutions Hi Stephanie; You have already found the solution to your problems-The 12 Step Program of Recovery. However You are a typical alcoholic/addict Your afraid of the unknown, at least this terrible situation you find yourself "is comfortable" it's what you know, the solution is unknown (scary) and like a typical alchohlic/addict your letting go of your old life with CLAW marks. And it is not easy to make this jump, if it was easy you would have done it long ago. As for your "freind" he needs to do his own recovery in his way it is quite possible that he too wants recovery and doesn't want to do meetings with you for fear that his sharing might hurt you, or you won't understand and might be offended, it is also possible he doesn't want recovery which ever it is it is HIS stuff Not yours. And your recovery is YOUR stuff not HIS. This is probably a very toxic relationship at best, and you both probably trigger each other. The best thing for both is a little apart time, for recovery for the best for both of you. You are both holding each other back at this point. Which in all honestly could be deadly to either or both of you. I say this bluntly as a freind and freinds are honest. In this vain I have to say that not doing some of the drugs you were using is a load of crap. That's like a wife beater saying I only beat my wife once this month. This place you are emotionally is very scary, yes you may not go out and take actions on these thoughts intentionally , however in the state your in it's concievable for you to end up in a place that is dangerous to you or to end up overdosing. You need to get help NOW, I truly believe you need to get your asse into detox and a treatment program, and forget about this crap of all these people need me and finacial support. the true fact is you are not helping anyone in the state you are in. Espcially if you continue the road you are on. How are you going to help anyone if you end up Dead, or incarcerated and/or your career ruined, you are on the verge of having your license suspended or revoked if anyone in the legal community finds out. The possibilty of institutionalized is there as well. THESE THINGS DO NOT HAPPEN tO OTHER PEOPLE THEY HAPPEN TO US, when we do not take the right actions. If any of these things happen how will you be any help to anybody. Mark my words if you do not take action and SOON this will happen. Save your life save your family take action NOW |
