So I read the comments made on my last blog and I would like to say thank you to those who responded with advice.  I always appreciate those who take the time to care about other people and that are sincere.  And I have to say to wiledchild that I love people like you who are very blunt and honest!  It was really a slap in the face for me and a wake up call.  Deep down I already knew everything you said was the truth and that I am putting myself into bad situations, etc.  In the last few days I have been working on the one day at a time philosophy and it seems to be working very well for me.  I focus only on what I am doing at any given point during the day and I find that that takes my mind off of using!  I don't dwell on the past or yesterday and I don't think about what tomorrow will be like or don't think about what I need to do on the weekends.  I find myself calmer doing this and having less cravings, even no cravings some days.  It's already been suggested to me that I need detox, but I really don't think I need detox.  I know I need an inpatient program though!  I need an intensive program where I am working on myself only and am surrounded by others who are just like me and can relate to me, understand me and give support.  I truly believe that only other addicts can truly understand me and what I go through, and that only addicts can give the best advice and support.  I believe all this to be true because we (all us addicts) have the same story basically.  So I am starting to focus on myself a little more each day.  I've realized that I am in no position to deal with another person's addiction problems right now.  And I have finally stood up and set up strict boundaries with my significant other, and I feel so much better and more empowered!  My self esteem seems better as well.  I know it is a toxic relationship, and that we enable each other in using.  And I know it is a load of crap that I have stopped some drugs but not others.  A drug is a drug, and being an addict, I can't use any kind of drug because I am an addict and cannot control my use nor my life when I am using.  I have to stop everything...that is the only way I will succeed.  Because I can take or leave the pot, but if I keep smoking that on  a regular basis, I will move on to other drugs and then it will just  be downhill from there.  I have very bad self-control, and I really need to work on this.  Although I'm sure most addicts would say they have bad self-control!
So instead of sitting at work and worrying about tomorrow, or worrying about the guy I am seeing, I have started thinking only about the job I am doing or just get up and talk with co-workers at times.  I have stopped thinking about this guy and his problems...and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me!  And I think it is getting through to him that I am serious about getting sober, that I am focusing on myself more, that I stand up to him and have set boundaries, etc.  I just really hope that one day he will see how much better life is without drugs and that he decides to get serious about his sobriety...because once I get into recovery, I will NOT be around anyone who uses or deals--this is a necessity.  And I want him to have the drive to get clean for himself, to have a better life.  I don't want him quitting just because I did and that he will be out of my life if I'm clean and he isn't.  He has to do it for himself, because he wants to be a better person and live a more productive life.  He is so much smarter than he gives himself credit for-he could have  a much better job but I think he stays in his job now because it's not full time, it's an easy job and most importantly they do not drug test.  I think his self-esteem problems are a lot worse than mine, and mine are pretty bad!
It is scary going into the unknown world of sobriety.  I can't remember how I am, what I'm like without drugs or alcohol.  I'm scared of having to feel the bad things in life.  I have already wasted most of the life I have lived, and now I want to be a better person and to do the things I've always wanted to do in life.  I need to spend more time with my kids-I feel so guilty because I've hardly seen them in the last month or two and I don't do anything with them.  I know I need to focus on myself, but I have two human beings that depend on me for everything, so that has to factor in somehow into my recovery.  And they know what is going on with me with having an addiction problem...I've sat down with both of them and explained what is going on with me right now and I was very honest with both of them.  I hope they learn from seeing my misery and the problems that happen when you are an addict, I hope it scares them into never touching  a drug or taking  a drink of alcohol.  I am on a lot of medications from my psychiatrist, some of which are addictive drugs.  I have abused some of them in the past, but I have made a huge step lately and have been using them as prescribed because they really do help me and the mental problems that I have.  I was a little scared at first when he gave me scripts for certain drugs, that I would start craving drugs and that it would just be a bad situation all the way around.  But I am proud of myself that I am actually taking them as prescribed, and some like my Xanax only when I really need it.  I am a very high strung person with horrible anxiety-been like that my whole life!  I'm on Suboxone for my opiate dependency and have never abused this drug.  I find it to be a miracle drug because it kills my cravings and I feel almost "normal" again on it.  But I know that technically I'm not truly "clean" because Sub has an opiate in it...but I say who gives a fuck???  The drug is helping me stay away from opiates (my drug of choice, the drug I really love).  And then I am now on Adderall, a low dose.  This stuff actually makes me sleepy a lot of the time!  Diagnosis of ADHD, which I have suspected for years!  With Adderall I can actually sit and do work for hours at a time and focus on what I am doing-before taking it I was so fidgety and up every half hour at least and putting off doing work.  He also thought it might help with my severe fatigue, which it does sometimes, but it really just calms me and I can focus on what I am doing.  I abused some of it the first weekend I had it just to see what the big deal was with it...I guess because I actually need it for a mental problem, that I don't get the high that others without ADHD get on it.  So that was the end of that experimentation as well and I'm back on track taking it as prescribed-I even skip taking it on the weekends--this gives me a break from continuous use plus I don't work on weekends so I don't need it for anything.  But I think this is definitely a big problem/dilemma for a  lot of the addicts out there--being prescribed medications that are needed but have a strong abuse potential.  It is a very indvidualized choice when it comes to this.  I am just really proud of myself that I have been strong enough to stay on track with taking all my meds and taking them as prescribed!!!  It's a step in the right direction.  But I know just focus on not using one day at a time.  I have to make a conscious choice every day when I get up that I will not use...that I will not enable my significant other...that I am a better person when I am sober.  And I keep saying to myself that it WILL get easier with time, that with each day that passes it will be easier for me to stay sober and to really work on my recovery in some way.
OK I'm starting to ramble on and on...plus I really should get work done :)  So take care to all out there and find sites/forums like this website that you like and find people that you like and can talk to and exchange advice with-this will give you some great support, which may surprise some.  I talk with both men and women on here and have had no problems with any of the men I correspond with which I find great.  I have always related better to men than women my whole life.  Even as a child I was always running around with the boys, a real tomboy (still am today)!  But I agree that your sponsor should definitely be the same sex and that you should really try to become friends with and hang out with those of the same sex that you meet in meetings.  Because new relationships, especially between two addicts that are just starting on the road to recovery, could destroy your getting and staying sober-it just complicates things and we definitely don't need more complications as addicts trying to get sober!  Some people should even think about men only meetings or women only meetings.  I definitely think there are issues unique to women and those unique to men.

OK OK I'm gonna stop  now...gotta work.  I hope everyone is doing good and taking care of themselves, and really working the 12-steps.  And focus only on today, it does work!