well it is somewhat strange to know that i would be having to start one of these myself a steps program.  i found this page coming to seek help ideas or what ever for one of my friends that has been battling with meth and i have received some very good information and it has help, but there is nothing more that i feel i could do cause.  our friendship is tainted so much that it may never be called a friendship again.  well, i guess i have crossed a line that i shouldn't have and that is one of the things i learned on this site is to not try to start a relationship with a person wanting and working on their own recovery.  that is what tainted the friendship, cause their life to them was not worth much and she tried to have me see her just the way everyone else did but i tried hard and hard to tell her, show her that i didn't but she was unconvinced so i finally gave in and start telling her things i didn't want to say and treated her the way i didn't want to treat her was like everyone else (i am ashamed of that) now i have ruined a friendship that i have had with her for half my life.  when she left my life and started her own she was battling with this addiction and i could have helped then, but then she had told me she worked hard at trying to get her life better so she joined the Marine and was their for 8 years of her life and her addiction was still following not to far behind, she got married to another marine had a child and meth caught up and tore it apart and then time went on she found me and we got in contact emailed and phoned each other, she was doing good in walk she let me know when we came back into each others lives after 12 years of no contact it seem we picked up where we left off best of friend telling each other the things going on in our life and then.  as you would know feeling started to come but i could not do anything then cause she was doing her thing and working hard to be clean and sober and so i had let the chance pass, but she did find someone to be with but it was with another guy working on his recovery walk and after a year and a half they had both fell back into addiction  i had found out in a message on her face book that she had been like 3 weeks sober and i was upset and scolded her about it cause she had dropped us for watching a movie a get together for thanksgiving but all was forgiven cause i told myself that she has to work on this her self, believing that she could do this with out my getting on her case like everyone else.  so the start of this year she fought really hard to get her recovery started again, so one night i received a  phone call from her asking for help, so i said i would be there the next day cause she live a state away and i had to get things sorted out for myself to go and help i talked to my room mates and said that she would be coming down to stay for awhile cause we all lived life's away from drugs and alcohol they said that if it going to help her then they support that.  this is where i learned to not go running in the dark to save some one that is dealing with such a battle, i learned that their battle became my battle too, i had to learn really fast on what they could and couldn't be around and that was a whole task in it's self.  that is where i came to fall in love with my best friend again cause i could she the beauty she had even if she didn't see it, just like all them years ago, when she stayed with us she made my life feel complete again and nothing was missing, but i couldn't tell her.  then she pursued me  after a month of living with us and then i had helped her as much as could with all the little bit of knowledge i did have about meth, i was up at 3a to help her with her first step though i didn't know if that was my place but i sat there with her til 6a or til the sun rose and was off to sleep as much as i could before my daughters woke up and started their day, i sat with her when she cried about all the emptiness she had felt, i sat with her when she cried about the guy she had left to be with a girl that she despises, i was their with her when she wanted to return home to try and work on getting better on more familiar ground but the first time around didn't work so she end up coming to live with us again and that is when the relationship started and we worked hard to find a place she could live to get clean and better her self, still not know i was going to be a hindrance to her walk so i tried to keep things as casual as i could.  then things just went down hill fast.  she found her way back to the state she live and moved with her brother and to this day she is doing good, she is still living clean and sober at a house she had lived when we came back into each others lives.  she is a sight to behold now.  i really am glad that God hears and answers prayers cause she is looking happy and you can see it in her eyes and in her smile.  she still has a lot of work to do and i wish her well.

okay, well with all that being said, why i stared to write this, it is strange to know that all that i had been through with my friend i had my own demons locked away in a place i thought they would be safe, but as you know it they don't want to stay hidden, i guess it's true what happens in the dark will eventually will come to light.  so my most deepest secret happened to surface in the latter part of my friendship with the woman earlier talked about.  so when that all came out it started to snow ball and it had to be dealt with and dealt with fast.  so i enrolled myself in to counseling to help me learn how to deal with these problems cause they were doing a number on me mentally and i talked with my counselor and i talked with her about all the issues i was dealing with and my drug of choice as alcohol and that the last time i had a drink was back in January one drink, but one drink is a drink i am told.  so i tried to tell people the last time i really drank was back in October so the January drink don't count, but it counts as a drink.  so i have come to the agreement that yes January was the last time i had my drink.  any how my counselor has me ready to sign up for alcoholic anonymous classes since that was my drug of choice.  so it's strange to know that i have stuff to work on with myself and it really love that saying "how can you help them if you can't help your self"  i started counseling so i can be there for my daughters and be there healthy.  i have this goal to break the generational curses so my daughters don't have to live the same life i did, with drugs in the home, alcohol in the home or living in a domestic violence home.  they deserve better than that.  that is what i am working on giving them cause they are allowed to know a life with out such misery.   i watched my mother get beat up and i watched her drowned the pain with drugs and i watched her mate drowned his with both drugs and alcohol and i saw that and i didn't live my life like that til i was in my 20's i drank and til i didn't remember the things i did that night so this is my walk to get better myself to tie up all them loose ends so my daughters don't have to live like that with me.   so this is the start of my walk and i will let everyone know how it's going and i could use all the help i can get.  it's strange to know, but knowing is half the battle and using it wisely victories can be won.