The Third Step of Alcoholics Anonymous states, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." The principle behind this step is Surrender. The 3rd Step and is also closely related to the Three Jewels of Buddhism.

Step Three and Surrender

In Step Two, we open ourselves up to a bit of hope and faith. In the third step, we surrender our lives to something greater than ourselves. The Oxford English Dictionary defines surrender as to "cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority." In this sense, we are ceasing to resist running our lives, and submitting to the authority of a power greater than ourselves. Where we previously resisted and turned away from any sense of a Higher Power, we submit to its authority.

It is important at this step to investigate what the term "power greater than ourselves" means to us. For those of us that enter the program with a religious background, it may be a good idea to use our previous concept of a Higher Power. However, most of us do not enter the program with an existing Higher Power. If we are agnostic, we may investigate the power of the twelve-step rooms or of our sponsor. We recognize the rooms hold more power than we do ourselves, as we were not previously able to stay sober alone. For those of us that enter atheistic, we may find trouble with this step. However, this does not mean we must shy away from this step at all. For example, as a Buddhist myself, I use the Dharma as my Higher Power. It is not a greater person nor a sentient being. Rather, the Dharma is a Higher Truth. Merriam Webster defines the word God as "the supreme or ultimate reality," which the Dharma absolutely is for me. I, daily, turn my will and my life over to the practices that the Dharma lay out for me.

When we turn our will and our lives over, we are submitting to something greater than ourselves. Whether it is Jesus Christ, the universe, a Twelve-Step room, or a set of atheistic teachings, we must surrender completely. To do so, this decision must be made at once, and fulfilled in our everyday life. We must give up running the show ourselves, and allow our thoughts and actions to be run by something greater.

Step Three and the Three Jewels

In the Third Step we surrender to a power greater than ourselves. One might say we "take refuge." In Buddhism, we surrender to the Three Jewels. This is called taking refuge. The Three Jewels are the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha. As we surrender and turn our wills and our lives over to a Higher Power in Step Three, we turn to the Three Jewels for refuge in Buddhism.

The Buddha

The first of the Three Jewels is the Buddha. This jewel is not the worshiping of a supreme being. Rather, it is the recognition of our own Buddha-seed within. The Buddha taught that we all have the ability to attain enlightenment. Taking refuge in the Buddha means aligning our actions with those of our own Buddha-nature. Taking refuge in the Buddha also means we surrender to our loving Buddha-nature, and let it run our lives.

The Dharma

The second of the Three Jewels is the Dharma. The Dharma is the collection of teachings that the Buddha laid out. Generally, the word "dharma" is translated as "path." However, the word is more appropriately translated to the "way." The Dharma is not a path that leads somewhere specific, but a way of life that is to be followed. The Dharma teaches us about the Four Noble Truths, the Noble Eightfold Path, compassion, mindfulness, and much more. Taking refuge in the Dharma is taking refuge in a set of teachings that has been proven to lead to awakening. We surrender to the teachings, letting our thoughts and actions fall in line with this greater truth.

The Sangha

The final of the Three Jewels is the Sangha. The Sangha is essentially the community of practitioners. Just as in twelve-step meetings we speak of the power of one addict or alcoholic talking to another, there is power in two ore more people coming together to discuss meditation, the teachings, the Buddha, etc. Taking refuge in the Sangha, we engage in our community and fellows and embrace the power of a group.

Taking refuge in the Three Jewels is the same principle as surrendering to a Higher Power in the Third Step. We turn our will and our lives over to something greater. We cease resisting our own Buddha-nature, the teachings, and the community. We begin to embrace them, and let our actions and thoughts be guided.

In recovery, we go through the steps with our sponsor.  However, the steps also must be worked in our daily lives.  As the Twelfth Step of Alcoholics Anonymous suggests, we must practice these principles in all our affairs.

Hope and Faith

As the second step offers us a beginning to the solution for our problem, we must maintain this attitude in our daily lives. We learn to never lose hope, to have faith that things will work out, and to continue believing that there are powers that are working for us if we embrace them.

In order to work this step, which states, "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity," we must be in constant belief that our spiritual program will work for us. The essence of the hope behind this step is that we must have faith in the path laid out before us. When we encounter difficult situations, fear, or we don't know what we should do, we must use the tools we have. We reach out to others, take a deep breath, or sleep on it. We begin to trust in our fellows and in the Twelve Steps.

Working this step in our daily lives is not easy at first, as we have to go against how we have been living in our addiction. We learn to believe in the Power greater than ourselves through taking action. This step is the beginning of taking contrary action. Where we once made impulsive decisions in the heat of our emotions, we now consult our sponsors and the program. 

The Second Step of Alcoholics Anonymous states, "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity." The principle behind Step Two is hope. The 2nd Step is also closely related to the Four Noble Truths of Buddhism, especially the Third Noble Truth.

Step Two and Hope

In Step One, we admit powerlessness over drugs and alcohol. We concede to our innermost selves that we are addicts, and practice rigorous self-honesty. In Step Two, we essentially do the opposite. We are offered hope for a seemingly hopeless state. The phrase, "Came to believe" tells us that our faith does not always happen instantly. It takes time. We slowly open our minds and hearts to see what the Twelve Steps have to offer us. As we know we are powerless over things and our lives are unmanageable, we are being offered a way to live a life manageable by a power greater than ourselves.

Step Two not only gives us hope in terms of a power greater than ourselves. In the Second Step, we are offered hope in a more general sense. We feel quite hopeless and as if there is nothing that will help us. Step Two is the door that once we begin to open, we are presented with a beautiful path of work toward a joyous and free life.

Step Two and the Third Noble Truth

In the First Step, we have our limits brought to light, and are practicing Right View. We recognize the first two Noble Truths of suffering and the causes of our suffering, which are our addiction and own powerlessness. In Step Two, we are presented with the reality of the Third Noble Truth: that the cessation of this suffering is possible. Just as the Second Step is beginning to open the door to the rest of the steps, the Third Noble Truth leads us into the Fourth Noble Truth of the Noble Eightfold Path.

The Third Noble Truth teaches us that ending suffering is indeed possible. Once we have learned to understand our suffering and see it clearly, we have the potential to eradicate it completely. The Third Noble Truth, like Step Two, is of hope. The possibility to progress and leave behind the suffering is a reality for each and every one of us.

Taking Step Two, we are believing in the a power greater than ourself (which in the Buddhist sense would be the Dharma). The Third Noble Truth assures us that this power truly can eradicate our suffering, just as the Second Step says the power can "restore us to sanity."

Equanimity is the practice of treating things neutrally. We don't judge or react; we experience things exactly as they are and do not add on. Speaking with a teacher recently, we discussed the different ways that equanimity work in our lives, and he clarified two unique examples.

Equanimity with Others

Equanimity with my relationships with others was not something I had given very much thought to. In our relationships with others, we find ourselves either becoming attached or detaching harshly. We are sometimes often the equanimity phrase, "May you be in charge of your own karma." In this way, we learn to let go of the results. Our prayers or good wishes for someone else will not change them; it changes us. Practicing equanimity, we recognize this and let go fo the outcomes.

In working with others, we often become attached to their progress. When a sponsee relapses, a child fails a class, or a loved one is in pain, we sometimes feel at least partially responsible. All we can do is practice metta, touch their pain with compassion, and appreciate the happiness of others. However, as the phrase we use says, others must take control of their own karma. Rather than see it as detaching, we are simply letting go of our attachment to their happiness. This end of the spectrum is essentially not being codependent. When someone is unhappy, we don't blame ourselves. We do what we can and leave their suffering up to them. We continue to send metta and compassion his or her way.

At the other end of this is completely detaching. This is also not healthy. Sometimes when a child, sponsee, or loved one continues to create their own suffering (with drug use, poor judgement, anger, etc.) we become cold and calloused. We detach strongly, losing compassion and care. When they are suffering or make mistakes, we act with anger or even malice. The practice here is the same: we must act with love and compassion without becoming attached to the outcome. We may repeat the phrases in meditation or throughout the day, "May you be at ease," "May you be happy," "May you be free from suffering," and "May you be in charge of your own karma." These phrases are of metta, mudita, karuna, and upekkha.

Equanimity with Self

Equanimity is also very applicable with our responses to emotions and thoughts. As commonly discussed, our natural reaction is to avert from unpleasant feelings and to attach to anything that pleases us. When we have unpleasant feelings, we label them as bad or negative. We do this similarly with pleasant feelings. Practicing equanimity, we focus on the direct experience.

With negative emotions, we label them as negative and bad. With equanimity, we must simply focus on the direct experience, rather than adding more things on. Sharon Salzberg calls these things exactly what they are: add-ons. These add-ons serve us no purpose. They are a product of our survival instincts and societal conditioning. When we add on, we are living in delusion and without compassion. Recognizing the truth, we see simply that an unpleasant emotion is just an unpleasant emotion.

We must so similarly with pleasant emotions. Rather than attach and crave more, we must recognize the pleasant feeling as just a pleasant feeling. A phrase offered to me by my teacher for this is, "May I treat things as they truly are." It has to do with Right View, and seeing the true nature of our thoughts and emotions.

Practicing equanimity, we are able to live in a neutral, joyous position. We don't cling to pleasant feelings nor avert from unpleasant ones. We also are not letting our joy rest in the hands of others. We are able to live freely and joyously.

The twelfth step of Alcoholics Anonymous suggests we "practice these principles in all our affairs." In prayer and meditation, our work with others, and meetings we are able to be present and work our spiritual program. However, the majority of our days are spent in the real world. It is much more difficult for us to work our programs in daily life, and we must remain vigilant.

Mindfulness

A fundamental tool we have for practicing the principles in our lives is to remain mindful. When we are truly present, focused on what we are doing in the moment, we are able to see more clearly our own actions and thoughts. With mindfulness, we are able to be conscious of our spiritual practice. Whether we are meditating, walking, or working, we always have the potential to be mindful. People hear the word meditation, and most commonly think of a formal sitting meditation. Meditation means, "To focus one's thoughts." Recognizing where we currently are physically, emotionally, and mentally is focusing one's thoughts.

Thoughts and Emotions

One of the first thing we often notice when practicing this mindfulness is the arising of thoughts and emotions. We begin to notice more frequently anxiety, fear, resentment, etc. This can be painful, but leads to great insight. As we recognize our emotions and thoughts, we take some of their power away. Sometimes we feel that we are suffering but not exactly sure why. This is because the emotions and thoughts are being pushed down and eventually build up. When we are mindful and recognize them, we are able to prevent them from controlling us so much. Simply recognizing to ourselves, "I feel anxious" has tremendous power. Speaking about it with somebody else is even more powerful.

The Quality of Our Actions

Our thoughts and emotions drive our actions. When we become aware of the feelings and thoughts, we see the actions that follow them. We must ask ourselves many times throughout the day where our actions are coming from. Are they coming from a place of love? Of fear? Of anger? Of compassion? When we recognize where our actions are coming from, we gain insight into our true nature. The principles we are working to practice become more visibile to us, and we gain judgement in our actions.

Right Speech

A big part of looking at the quality of our actions is how we speak. Speaking accounts for the majority of our communication with others, not just what we say, but how we say it. Remaining mindful of our speech, we often say things and are able to see where in the heart or mind they came from. With this knowledge, we are able to work on these thoughts and feelings, or at least on not acting (speaking) on them. We check if our words are helpful, true, and loving or if they are vengeful, jealous, or harsh.

Intentions

Along with the actual quality of our actions, we also must investigate our true intentions. Sometimes we do "good" things with bad intentions, or we make mistakes when our intentions are pure. When we notice resentful, selfish, or averting intentions arise, we must recognize them, for if we don't we will act on them. When we perform a good deed, we also must gently praise ourselves for keeping pure intentions.

Being Gentle with Ourselves

When we find ourselves making a mistake or acting in an unwholesome manner, we must be accountable. We cannot afford to let ourselves get away with everything; we must deal with our mistakes before they deal with us. However, there is a gentle way to go about this. We must practice the principle of compassion with ourselves in these cases. Everyone makes mistakes, and they truly are opportunities to learn. If we hurt others, we must make amends promptly. We also must make amends to ourselves by diligently working to change the behavior.

It truly is not easy to practice these principles in the fast-paced world where not everyone is working a spiritual program. However, this is not an excuse to behave poorly. It is a true test of our abilities and growth.

In this meditation we will focus on addressing our inner critic that is constantly speaking to us.  

You may find any position comfortable for this meditation.  You may sit, lie down, or do it while walking.  As before, begin by centering yourself, however works for you.  When you find yourself in a calm, present state, bring up a negative emotion you have recently felt. It may be anger, jealousy, anxiety, fear, or anything else that comes to mind.

As an emotion comes to mind, focus on how you feel about having had this emotion. Do you feel embarrassed or ashamed? Do you feel as if you should have prevented it from arising? Do you judge yourself based on it?

Change the label from bad or negative to painful in your mind. Recognize that this emotion was neither negative nor wrong. It simply was a painful emotion you experienced. Truly touching the pain behind the emotion, change your relationship to it.

You may notice where you feel the emotion in your body. You may feel it in your neck, knees, back, feet, hips, etc. Treat the emotion and sensations with loving-kindness; recognize the pain and don’t be harsh.

It is our tendency when we experience a painful emotion to judge ourselves, feel like we could do better, or avert from it. Don’t run. Simply recognize the pain behind it, and touch it with a compassionate heart. When “bad” or “wrong” come back into our minds, let it go by touching the suffering.

When you feel ready, you may end this meditation. If you would like, you may continue with another emotion you have experienced recently.

http://theeasiersofterway.com/2013/05/metta-meditation-quieting-the-inner-critic/

In recovery, we go through the steps with our sponsor.  However, the steps also must be worked in our daily lives.  As the Twelfth Step of Alcoholics Anonymous suggests, we must practice these principles in all our affairs.

Powerlessness

In everyday life, powerlessness is constantly affecting us.  Specifically, we must always remember our powerlessness over our addiction. Keeping close the memory of what happens when we indulge helps drive us every day to work the steps.  Remembering what our addiction looks like is a great motivator.

After working the steps and gaining insight, we discover that we are powerless over much more than our addiction.  Essentially, we are powerless over everyone and everything except ourselves.  We must stop trying to control outside events.

Dr. Paul O. said, "When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment... When I complain about me or about you, I am complaining about God's handiwork. I am saying that I know better than God."

Unmanageability

Unmanageability affects our daily lives as well.  With the powerlessness over other people comes the unmanageability.  Other people, external events, and anything else outside of ourselves is certainly unmanageable.  When we don't recognize our powerlessness over these things, unmanageability grows even stronger.  Trying to exert power over external phenomena creates distress and anxiety.  Recognizing our powerlessness, we must see that everything is unmanageable to us.

In regard to ourselves, unmanageability is quite relevant.  Even with our own actions, thoughts, and emotions, we encounter unmanageability.  In everyday life, we experience thoughts and feelings that we are powerless over.  We sometimes act in ways that we don't intend to, often as a result of living without being mindful.  Our thoughts, actions, and feelings are unmanageable because we are trying to manage every aspect of our lives.  As the steps go on, we must turn our will and our lives over to a Higher Power.  Recognizing the unmanageability of our own lives, we see that we must rely on a greater power to direct us.  At first, this may be the Twelve Steps, the advice of a fellow, or a mentor.  Regardless of what this power is, it helps us manage our lives.

In our daily lives, we can practice both these principles by putting into practice the Serenity Prayer.  We must accept that which we cannot change (everything external and some things internal even), change the things we can (internal things and our relationship with our Higher Power), and recognize the difference.

The Ninth Step of Alcoholics Anonymous suggests that we make amends to those we have harmed.  We make direct amends wherever possible, focusing on the exact nature of our wrongs.  We take accountability for our actions.  However, there is far more to amends than just making a direct amends.

Living amends is the practice of changing our behavior.  We must not just rely on direct amends to change our lives.  The essence of the ninth step and amends is to amend our behavior.  If we make direct amends, but continue behaving in that way, then we really aren't amending anything at all!

The word amend means to improve upon or to make better.  Knowing this, we recognize that making amends has to do with changing our behavior.  When we go through the 6th and 7th Steps, we become willing to let our character defects go.  For alcoholics and addicts, our character defects have often been driving our actions for a period of time.  When we become willing to and humbly ask our Higher Power to remove these defects, we must also take action.  God can move mountains, but we must bring shovels!

Amending our behavior is simple, but not easy.  We must look at where our behaviors are harming us and others.  Recognizing these behaviors, we must act in the opposite way.  For example, if we are asking to be freed of selfishness, we must act selflessly.  Taking the action, we leave the rest up to our Higher Power.  When we make direct amends to somebody, we must follow it up by behaving in a new way.

Looking at our character defects that cause harm to others, we practice the opposite of each one.  There are opportunities every day to practice good qualities, both with the person we have harmed, and with everyone else in our lives.  In this way, our behavior changed, and we no longer are causing harm to those around us.

http://TheEasierSofterWay.com

Each one of us works our own individual program.  In twelve-step programs we are given many suggestions, but there is only one requirement: the desire to stop drinking.  Attending meetings or speaking with our fellows, we see how differently each of us works our program.  It is a beautiful thing that we are encouraged to work the program how it works for us, and there are always people more experienced than us who have different experiences to offer.  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says on page 29, "Each individual, in the personal stories, describes in his own language and from his own point of view the way he established his relationship with God."

Our Own Higher Power

In my personal experience, the ability to choose your own Higher Power is one of the greatest examples of people working their own programs.  I have met people of all faiths and traditions in the rooms: Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Muslim, Buddhist, Pagan, Atheist, and simply spiritual.  Regardless of your spiritual/religious beliefs, there is a place for you in twelve-step programs.

Although Alcoholics Anonymous was founded by Christians and on many Christian principles, it was created with an expressed intention to work for people of all belief systems.  I practice Buddhism myself.  My sense of a "Higher Power" or "God" is very different than a lot of my fellows.  I choose to utilize the Dharma as my Higher Power.  Rather than a supernatural or ethereal force or figure, I use the path of Buddhism as my Higher Power.  It works well for me, for I am able to turn my will and my life over to it.  I am able to pray and meditate, be grateful for my Higher Power, and not fully understand my Higher Power.

Whatever your beliefs are, the principles are the same: trust in God, pray, meditate, turn your will and life over.  I have met many atheists in my time sober, and have found the principles also apply there.  In Buddhism, there is the teaching that we all have seeds within us; we have seeds of doubt, anger, love, fear, acceptance, etc.  When we take action, we are watering these seeds within us.  Being of service waters the seed of compassion, love, etc.  Punching somebody waters the seed of anger, hatred, etc.  Speaking with atheists, I have heard a very similar account of things.  Even though they do not believe in a greater deity, they do believe they have a better person within them.  I see atheists in my home group be of service, share eloquently, relate to others, and be wonderful members of our fellowship.

As discussed in a recent post, it is important to keep religion out of twelve-step meetings.  I have heard speakers that truly move me that I find out have completely different beliefs than I do.  I have heard other Buddhists share that I do not especially relate to.  Religion (or lack of) is not important in twelve step meetings.  We are all sitting there for the same reason, and sharing our differences only separates us.  If somebody is Christian, Hindu, atheist, or whatever, it is their program, not ours.  It is my honest opinion that it is absolutely none of my business unless they are directly hurting me or the integrity of the program.  The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says on page forty-five about the program, "Its main object is to enable you to find a Power greater than yourself which will solve your problem."

Working the Steps

Alcoholics Anonymous was the first program to suggest the twelve steps as a program of recovery.   The twelve steps have been an incredibly useful tool that millions have used to recover in hundreds of different programs.  However, the twelve steps are fairly vague and general.  Even with the Big Book and the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (Twelve N' Twelve), there is a lot left to the individual in working the steps.  In the Foreword to the First Edition, the Big Book says, "To show other alcoholics precisely how we have recovered is the main purpose of this book."  This, to me, says that the goal was to show what helped them in order for us to have some experience to help us.  However, it does not say that we must work a program exactly as anyone else did.

My sponsor is an old-school type of guy.  He reminds me constantly that Bill went through the steps in two days when he was in the hospital.  He took me through all twelve steps before I had ninety days sober.  I take my sponsees through the steps in the same way.  However, I know many people who go through the steps much slower, and still have a full sobriety and life.

With the second and third steps, we may choose different Higher Powers as discussed above.  With the fourth step, there are many ways that people work it.  I know some sponsors have their sponsees write every single resentment they have ever had and write several pages on each one.  I know other sponsors who only want the bare minimum, for they believe the point is to get the character defects out.  All of the twelve steps can be worked in a different way really.

Steps ten, eleven, and twelve are steps that are often worked very differently in any given fellowship.  With the tenth step, some people write daily.  Writing a daily inventory either at night or in the morning helps many people.  Some even write during the day when they feel a resentment arise.  Others prefer to use meditation as their chief means of taking inventory.  Sitting in silence or after prayer is a way that many people see what is arising in themselves and take an inventory.  With the eleventh step, any given individual's prayer and meditation is most likely going to differ from his fellows'.  There are people of all spiritual beliefs who practice in many different kinds of ways.  There are those that hit their knees every morning and evening, those that meditate avidly, and those that don't do either formally.  With the twelfth step, there are those that sponsor a lot of people, those that volunteer time with Hospitals and Institutions, those that hold many service commitments, and those that participate in conventions and other committees.

Even though the twelve steps are direct in their suggestion, there is much room for interpretation.  Whatever an individual's program looks like, what matters is that they stay sober and help other addicts and/or alcoholics.

Outside of the Rooms

There are also many differences in what we do outside of the twelve-step rooms.  Some of us seek therapy or psychiatry.  Whether somebody seeks therapy, acupuncture, or attends religious meetings, these are outside issues.  People do these things because they help their recovery.  People do yoga, surf, work out,  or do a number of other things to enhance their sobriety.

People work different jobs, spend free time doing different things, and engage in different activities in daily life.  This is one of the freedoms we are allowed with the twelve-step program.

These differences in our programs are a beautiful part of twelve-step programs.  It allows us to find people that have worked the program in many different ways.  If we maintain an open mind and open heart, we will find that each way is unique, right for the individual, and we must find our personal truth.

http://www.TheEasierSofterWay.com

The First Step of Alcoholics Anonymous states, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable."  The principle behind this first step is honesty.  Step One also is closely related to Right View in Buddhism.

Step One and Honesty

The first step is a simple (not easy) declaration of our complete defeat.  Looking out our addiction, we see that our behavior has centered around our addiction.  The first part of Step One, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol," is a look at the nature of our using.  Powerless is a strong word, and frightens many of us.  However, when we look at the way we use, powerless is indeed a fitting word.  When we drink and use, we lose all control and power.  Taking the first drink, pill, hit, etc., we immediately succumb to our own powerlessness, and give in to the power of the substance.

We also experience powerlessness with the mental obsession we have.  Even before we take the first drink, we are in constant thought of alcohol.  Our lives are centered around alcohol.  When we are not drinking, we are looking for the first drink.  We are preoccupied with alcohol, not only losing power of action but also power of thought over it.

When we work this first part of Step One, we are practicing rigorous self-honesty.  In order to see the nature of our powerlessness, we must be willing to set down the ego and be genuinely honest.  This honesty helps us see that true extent of our powerlessness.  As we honestly look at places we drank when we should not have, times we drank when it was inappropriate, and amounts we drank that we should not have, we recognize our powerlessness.

The second half of the First Step is "that our lives had become unmanageable."  Many people read this the first time and misinterpret it.  What this is saying is not that our drinking had become unmanageable, but our lives.  Yes, our drinking is obviously unmanageable, but the point is that our entire life is unmanageable by ourselves.  When we look honestly at our lives, we see how unmanageable it has become.  Our entire lives are out of our own control.  With honesty, we are able to concede to our innermost selves that we are alcoholics and that our lives are unmanageable by our own control.

Step One and Right View

Right View and Step One are very closely related.  Right view is the practice of seeing things as they truly are.  The principle of honesty goes very well with Right View.  In Right View, we begin to see things as they really are.  When we are drinking and using, our perception is certainly disturbed.  We are not seeing things as they really are, although it seems real to us.

Practicing the First Step and Right View, we open our minds to seeing the world from a different perspective.  We look at our drinking and using, and we recognize the truth.  We see more clearly the nature of our addiction.  Rather than blaming everything on external issues, we recognize it is our own powerlessness that is the root of our suffering.

We also recognize how unmanageable our life has become.  This is not to say we recognize the need for a Higher Power in our lives; rather, we come to terms with the reality of our lives being out of control.  Often for some time, we have not been able to manage our lives.  Where we previously believed we were in complete control, our convictions change.

Right View is essential to the First Step of Alcoholics Anonymous because we must begin to see things more clearly.  We recognize the cause of our suffering is the addiction, powerlessness, and unmanageability.

http://www.TheEasierSofterWay.com

The First Step of Alcoholics Anonymous states, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable."  The principle behind this first step is honesty.  Step One also is closely related to Right View in Buddhism.

Step One and Honesty

The first step is a simple (not easy) declaration of our complete defeat.  Looking out our addiction, we see that our behavior has centered around our addiction.  The first part of Step One, "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol," is a look at the nature of our using.  Powerless is a strong word, and frightens many of us.  However, when we look at the way we use, powerless is indeed a fitting word.  When we drink and use, we lose all control and power.  Taking the first drink, pill, hit, etc., we immediately succumb to our own powerlessness, and give in to the power of the substance.

We also experience powerlessness with the mental obsession we have.  Even before we take the first drink, we are in constant thought of alcohol.  Our lives are centered around alcohol.  When we are not drinking, we are looking for the first drink.  We are preoccupied with alcohol, not only losing power of action but also power of thought over it.

When we work this first part of Step One, we are practicing rigorous self-honesty.  In order to see the nature of our powerlessness, we must be willing to set down the ego and be genuinely honest.  This honesty helps us see that true extent of our powerlessness.  As we honestly look at places we drank when we should not have, times we drank when it was inappropriate, and amounts we drank that we should not have, we recognize our powerlessness.

The second half of the First Step is "that our lives had become unmanageable."  Many people read this the first time and misinterpret it.  What this is saying is not that our drinking had become unmanageable, but our lives.  Yes, our drinking is obviously unmanageable, but the point is that our entire life is unmanageable by ourselves.  When we look honestly at our lives, we see how unmanageable it has become.  Our entire lives are out of our own control.  With honesty, we are able to concede to our innermost selves that we are alcoholics and that our lives are unmanageable by our own control.

Step One and Right View

Right View and Step One are very closely related.  Right view is the practice of seeing things as they truly are.  The principle of honesty goes very well with Right View.  In Right View, we begin to see things as they really are.  When we are drinking and using, our perception is certainly disturbed.  We are not seeing things as they really are, although it seems real to us.

Practicing the First Step and Right View, we open our minds to seeing the world from a different perspective.  We look at our drinking and using, and we recognize the truth.  We see more clearly the nature of our addiction.  Rather than blaming everything on external issues, we recognize it is our own powerlessness that is the root of our suffering.

We also recognize how unmanageable our life has become.  This is not to say we recognize the need for a Higher Power in our lives; rather, we come to terms with the reality of our lives being out of control.  Often for some time, we have not been able to manage our lives.  Where we previously believed we were in complete control, our convictions change.

Right View is essential to the First Step of Alcoholics Anonymous because we must begin to see things more clearly.  We recognize the cause of our suffering is the addiction, powerlessness, and unmanageability.

In daily life, we have many experiences.  Sounds, smells, physical sensations, tastes, sights, thoughts, and emotions fill our lives.  Although we are constantly being flooded by stimuli, we still have time to add a lot to our direct experience.  There is a big difference between our direct experience and what we add on to it.

Direct Experience

Our direct experience is often lost with everything going on inside us.  Our direct experience is the sensation we are experiencing.  Without adding on anything, our direct experience is simple.  Pain in our knee, the smell of coffee, or the sound of cars passing by are all direct experiences.  Direct experience can be painful, pleasurable, or neutral.  However, our direct experience is just this, and nothing else.

Without judgement, our direct experience is more than enough to focus on.  Practicing mindfulness, we become aware of what are bodies are telling us.  Through body scans and walking meditations, we learn to be mindful of the sensations in our bodies.  Hearing meditations help us become aware of the sounds that we experience every day.  Through these meditative practices, we become more aware of our direct experiences.  We have innumerable experiences throughout the day if we are being mindful of them.  With focus on our direct experience, we are able to be mindful of and grateful for the world around us.

Add-Ons

What happens after we have an experience?  We add-on.  We feel pain in our knee, and we begin thinking about how out of shape we are, how we shouldn't have worked out so hard, or how we will be in even more pain shortly.  These add-ons are thoughts in our heads that are stealing us from the present moment.  Add-ons are not helpful for us, as we are not maintaining our mindfulness.

When we are being mindful, we focus on the direct experience.  When we begin adding things on, we are acting unskillfully.  Add-ons are stories we make up in our head, are the result of delusion and attachment, and prevent us from living mindfully.  Add-ons often rule our lives.  Most of our thoughts and emotions are actually add-ons rather than direct experiences.  As we add things on to our experience, we spend the majority of our days focusing on add-ons rather than the sensations.

How to Practice Mindfulness of Direct Experience and Add-Ons

In order to stay present, we must recognize direct experience when it is happening.  We also must recognize add-ons when they happen.  In order to recognize our direct experience, we must be mindful of what is occurring with us.  There are always stimuli coming at us, and if we remain mindful, we can be present to experience them.  Practicing mindfulness of our direct experience can be started by doing a body scan or a hearing meditation, where we practice mindfulness of our bodily tension or of the sounds around us.

Recognizing the add-ons is as simple as noticing when we are not being mindful of our direct experience.  When we notice the add-ons, we return to our direct experience.  This again can be done through a body scan meditation, or through a hearing meditation.  We practice recognizing the direct sensation we are experiencing, not the thoughts that follow.  Indicators that we are focusing on add-ons include getting lost in thought, regretting the past, and worrying about the future.

The Tenth Tradition reminds us that we as a group do not have an opinion on outside issues.  This is an important principle, as it keeps our meetings focused on our primary purpose: to help others.  As a sober member of twelve-step programs and an active member of the local Buddhist center, I have some experience with keeping outside issues of mine out of the rooms.

Although my participation in this other organization is very helpful to me, has helped me connect with myself and the world, and is very important to my sobriety, it has no place in the rooms.  When I speak directly about my “religion” rather than my spiritual program of working the Twelve Steps, I am
minimizing my effectiveness to others.

When someone shares and makes clear his or her religious affiliation, I must admit I close my mind a tiny bit.  I am not proud of this quality, but it is the truth.  I think if I, with a few years of sobriety, have even the slightest amount of contempt for this, than it is probable that a newcomer also would.

The need to share religious affiliation in meetings baffles me.  I often wonder why somebody would share that kind of information.  My personal opinion is that it tends to come off in a demeaning way.  When somebody speaks about his or her intense religious practice, I feel contempt because I feel judged.  I often feel like it is a separating act, not a unifying.
Although at any given meeting there are possibly people with similar religious beliefs, there are generally far more people with different beliefs.  One of the
most beautiful things about twelve-step rooms is the unifying of addicts and alcoholics from all different walks of life.  Feeling a part of was one of the most wonderful feelings I felt upon entering the rooms.  Putting differences out there like religious beliefs is simply unnecessary and certainly unhelpful.

Knowing this, it is my opinion (based on my personal experience, as well as those that came before me), that any religious affiliation should stay out of a
regular meeting.  Where I live, there are twelve-step meetings that are designated for people of certain faiths or beliefs, just as there are gender-specific meetings.

When I am asked to share at a meeting, when I speak to someone at a meeting, or when I am working with a sponsee, I very rarely even mention the word Buddhism.  I always mention my meditation practice, but not in any religious sense.  The steps mention meditation, and most literature from twelve-step groups does as well.  It is not difficult for me to use twelve-step lingo when speaking about my personal faith.  I do so, thus keeping my outside issue outside of the rooms.  Whether it is Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, Islam, or Hinduism, I would definitely have had a harder time getting sober if religion was being pushed in my face.

Learning About Responsibility

My sobriety has taught me accountability and commitment that has helped me maintain a job. Early in sobriety my sponsor directed me to take commitments at meetings, show up regularly, and have integrity. I learned to arrive at meetings on time and not break commitments. My first commitment was making the clean up announcement at a meeting. I showed up every week thirty minutes early and stayed late to make sure that everything was cleaned up. I engaged in fellowship with people as a result and enjoyed the accountability that was required.

I also regularly attended a meeting in Venice; one week the secretary didn’t show up and didn’t notify anyone that he wouldn’t be there. There were twenty people standing outside about to leave, when I suggested that we hold the meeting outside. I asked someone to speak, grabbed a big book out of my purse and asked someone else to do the readings. With six months sober I was elected secretary of that meeting. As much as the clean up commitment taught me I gained a true sense of pride and responsibility from running a meeting. I found speakers, showed up early and stayed late again. I helped set up the meeting and enjoyed seeing people every week that counted on me to be there. Having that commitment gave me a sense of pride and confidence.

Working Before Sobriety

Before I was sober I was a lifeguard. I showed up to work late, I fell asleep on my lunch breaks, and I constantly called in sick. I didn’t have a sense of commitment or pride in my job so I didn’t care if I was late or called at the last minute to say I wouldn’t be there.  Even though I had a job and I showed up somewhat consistently I didn’t have any sense of accountability or commitment to my job. I didn’t have those qualities in any area of my life, so I was unable to display them in my work. I didn’t build confidence from my job because I didn’t put real effort into it. Once I learned accountability and a sense of commitment I carried it through to my work.

Working in Sobriety

Four months into my sobriety I got a job at a clothing store. In my time there I have had a strong sense of loyalty and commitment to my job. I am always on time, when necessary I work on my days off, and do anything I can to help my boss. A few months ago my boss’ uncle died, seeing how upset she was I offered to help. I accompanied her to her uncle’s house, moved furniture, and cleaned out everything she needed. Shorty after I started working my boss asked me if I could take a look at the web site, just to see if I could figure out how to post some picture. Knowing nothing about websites I took a look. I realized that I needed help figuring it out, I asked my boss to hire someone to redo her site and told her I would communicate with him and do anything needed from our end. I helped open the online store; and now I am in charge of all social media, blogging and I run the online store.

From these estimable acts I built self-esteem and self-confidence. I finally had a strong sense of pride in my job and in my ability to perform my job well. This confidence started entering other areas of my life and sobriety. I have an overall sense of integrity and self worth that I have learned from having a job for a year and a half. I am able to show up for my friends and not break commitments with them. I do my step work on time and with integrity. I try to never be late when meeting with anyone for anything. These qualities that I learned first from commitments at meeting, then from work, have helped me be and responsible and have integrity.

Alcoholics Anonymous provides us with many great tools.  We suddenly are given an amazing support network, a spiritual program of action, and wonderful opportunity to grow.  Although Twelve-Step programs offer us so much, there are certainly things that we may find outside of Alcoholics Anonymous.  The stigma surrounding this prevents many people in the program from doing so, which is hurtful toward recovery.  There are several ways people look outside Alcoholics Anonymous for help, and none of them are wrong.

Professional Help

There are many professionals out there that offer great help to addicts of all kinds.  However, people tend to treat seeking professional help as taboo in twelve-step programs.  This attitude is extremely hurtful and close-minded.  Many of our fellows benefit from professional help of different kinds, and discouraging them or making them feel different because of it can change someone's life.

Physicians

Taking the example of physicians, there are many issues which we cannot ourselves handle.  Our physical health is of the utmost importance to our recovery, as the body's health can dictate the mind's health.  There are times where we must seek a physician's help.  Our physician may prescribe medications as he or she sees fit.  In my personal experience and opinion, we may take certain narcotic medications when they are absolutely necessary.  It is also always important to speak with a sponsor or mentor before doing so.  We must be careful in taking any medication of any kind, but sometimes it is absolutely necessary.  We cannot trust our own heads to make the decision on whether or not it is necessary, and this is why we speak to a sponsor.  Also, it helps substantially to have a doctor that is sober.

Psychiatrists

Another professional that we may seek help from is a psychiatrist.  Psychiatrists may help diagnose and treat mental illness.  Obviously medication comes into play here, and that is perfectly alright.  There are many addicts that suffer from mental disorders.  According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, "Over 8.9 million persons have co-occurring disorders; that is they have both a mental and substance use disorder."*  Not seeking help can be an issue of life and death.

Although psychiatrists may prescribe medications, this is not a reason to shy away from them.  Dealing with co-occurring disorders is not easy.  Without treating the mental illness, sobriety is near impossible.  The addiction and mental illness create a vicious cycle, and without treating both simultaneously, the person has little chance of recovery.  Again, we should be careful of blindly accepting medications without speaking to those with more experience than us.

Therapists

Another group of professionals that we often seek help from are the psychologists.  Therapists help us speak about what is going on with us, much as a sponsor or friend does.  However, a psychologist is a trained professional who may be able to offer insight that a sponsor will not.  We are sometimes discouraged from going to therapists because a sponsor provides much of the same support.  However, a psychologist has experience, education, and training to offer that others may not.  It is worth a try, but it is important to remain loyal to the twelve-step program.

According to the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, "But this does not mean that we disregard human healthy measures.  God has abundantly supplied this world with fine doctors, psychologists, and practitioners of various kinds.  Do not hesitate to take your health problems to such persons... Their services are often indispensable in treating a newcomer and in following his case afterward."**

Spirituality

Another way that we may seek outside help is through spirituality or religion.  Some of us come into the program with religious views.  If so, there is absolutely no requirement that we leave our beliefs behind.  If we find a spiritual path or religion in our sobriety, it is also alright to pursue.  Whether it is an organized religion or a spiritual method, these things offer us something to enhance our programs.  In my personal experience, I have found Buddhism to be extremely useful with my prayer and meditation practice.  However, we must remember that sobriety comes first.  How I see it is that my spiritual practice enhances my recovery, my life, and my twelve-step work.

Other Support Groups

As with the other outside helpers, this one can be helpful to many people.  People who suffer from drug addiction and alcoholism also may suffer from trauma or PTSD, living with other alcoholics, or co-occurring addiction such as an eating disorder, gambling addiction, or criminal addiction.  There are hundreds of twelve-step programs and even more outside support groups.  We should not hesitate to address and treat these other issues we have.  Seeking help for them may make all the difference in the quality of our lives.

In conclusion, we must seek outside help if it is correct for us.  I also believe that it is important for us to keep outside issues out of meetings where we can.

*http://www.samhsa.gov/co-occurring/topics/data/disorders.aspx

**Alcoholics Anonymous p. 133 (The Family Afterward)

Being in an intimate relationship in sobriety is difficult to say the least.  Relationships are like steroids for my character defects; they cause them to grow more powerful than I imagined possible.  From jealousy to control issues, my need to be right to my need to know everything, my character defects really come to light in relationships.  However, being in a relationship has taught me a lot, and my growth has been great.

Keys to My Healthy Relationship

With my character defects glaring me in the face in this relationship, I have found several important keys to keeping the relationship strong and healthy.  As with the rest of my recovery, I must remain vigilante with myself in order to sustain this healthy relationship.

Communication

The first, and most important, tool in my healthy relationship is communication.  Communication is an absolutely indispensable tool in my relationship.  Obviously, this applies in the sense of not lying, straightforward nor by omission.  However, communicating goes much further than telling the truth.

In order to maintain a healthy relationship, communication must go both ways.  I must walk through my (often irrational) fears, and be able to communicate how I feel.  Remaining considerate of her feelings, I tell her how I feel, whether I am upset (with her or not), happy, anxious, or dealing with something.  She is not my sponsor, nor is she my Higher Power.  However, she is an integral part of my support network.  Furthermore, when I hold things in too much, it closes off my heart to her.  As my heart fills with fear and resentment, my capacity to love is diminished.  As I become able to tell her how I feel and what is going on with me, it frees my heart up to be filled with love.  It is not always easy, as fears of being judged, not being enough, and driving her away do arise.  However, I consistently walk through these fears, and each time the fears are easier to overcome.

Also, I must be open to communication from her end.  As important as talking is to communication, so is listening.  When she speaks to me, whether it is a casual conversation or something more serious, I make a diligent effort to listen mindfully.  My reactions are not always compassionate and loving, and it is something I am consciously working on.  I find that as I listen with more mindfulness, I am able to respond with more compassion rather than reacting with fear.  When I react with fear, I am not encouraging a safe, open environment.  Just as I go through fears sharing my feelings, so does she.  It is not within my control whether or not she will be open and honest with me, but it is within my control to encourage a safe space to nurture the love rather than the fear.

Amends

Step Ten of Alcoholics Anonymous reminds us to promptly admit when we are wrong.  This is a huge part of a healthy relationship for me.  I make mistakes, I hurt myself, and I hurt her.   Never once have I done so on purpose, but it simply happens.  When it does happen, regardless of my intentions, I absolutely must promptly make amends.  If I am not able to admit when I am wrong, the behavior is not likely to change, and I will continue to hurt her.  Selfishness is at the root of our disease, and I must be vigilante with my character defects.

Growing Together, Separately

This is something that we hear a lot in regards to relationships in sobriety.  My loved one and I must keep our sobriety number one in our own lives, independently of each other.  I cannot make her my Higher Power, my sponsor, nor put her above my sobriety and my program.  This being said, I don't have to ignore her in order to work my program.  I find time to meet with my sponsor, sponsees, friends, and go to meetings on my own.  I have a different perception of a Higher Power than her, I have a sponsor that works differently than hers, and I don't enjoy all the same meetings as she.

Keeping our programs separate, we are able to grow together.  Something different works for everyone, and I must constantly remind myself that.  We go to meetings together, we meditate together constantly, and we have many talks about our spiritual work.  However, there are certain things that are different, and we recognize these things.  It is one of the most beautiful things about both Twelve Step programs and Buddhism: to be able to have our own experiences and find our own truths.  As we work on ourselves, we are becoming more and more human each day.  Capable of loving, compassionate, insightful, and accepting, we are able to grow closer together.

These are just three big things that come to mind when I think of my first healthy relationship I have ever had in my life.  With all the defects popping up of mine, it can be overwhelming at times.  However, we always have a support network to get us through things, give us advice, and share experiences with us.