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Groups Young, Sober/Clean, and Free
Groups Young, Sober/Clean, and Free
Young, Sober/Clean, and Free
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Young, Sober/Clean, and Free
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Friday, 10 September 2010
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Tonight I went to my meeting and was welcomed with great greetings, felt good, like I'm making a difference being there and speaking. I got presented my Orange 30 day clean key chain, and a hug from a friend, felt good. But tonight was an AlCon mom that was suffering because of her son and I shared about the white t-shirt medifore on the opening page of logging on under step eleven, and that I have really been focusing on examining my dirt and stains from the day and admitting them and trying to keep my shirt god gives me the next morning clean day by day and how I was gonna slow down on my step four and really be thorough and that I was happy to be here and thank you for everyone's love and support. And the mother spoke up and said her son was suffering from the same addiction as myself, and he wanted to kill himself and took a bunch of pills today in attempt. And she looked at me and said "what is your name?" I answered and she said that she was really appreciative to hear mine and others stories and that I reminded her of her son and hoped that she would see her son at my point in my recovery. Now that hit me hard and the rest of the meeting. I waited for her to pour her grief out on the table and I spoke up directly after and told her all my past, the many many times bouncing off bottom and what my turning point was, jail, homeless and alone...next death. I told her he has to be ready to make the commitment, look at step one and stated it. I told her that after being homeless in Seattle for a winter and summer and going to jail, I kicked and as I walked out the door of the county jail my mother was there, I told her to never give up on her son, now don't be an enabler by giving him money or rides or leaving anything financially to be stolen or giving in to his demon talk (I like to call it).............But take him away, isolate him, force sever of ties, no cars, no money, no going no where alone, no trust....just tear it all down and starting from scratch building everything else back up after his physical sickness goes away which it will. But he has to be ready, and I know no mom wants to see it or let it happen, but if he's not ready it may take a wakeup call spending some solber time in jail...it did me.
It just really reminded me of my poor mom and the years and years of pain and I saw what she went thru...I gave her my number and told her to call me if she needed any info, help. And she can talk to my mom, she has learned so much about my disease...so on the ride home I broke down and told my mom I wanted to apologize for not being around, I was sorry for not telling her how beautiful she has always been and thank you for being the best mom anyone could wish for.
I even had the non-participater's mentally brewing today, I feel I am getting stronger and stronger and my effect on the groups are brewing stonger and stronger creating a bond everyone was looking for...
I'm addicted to being a great person, the person I used to be or how I was all along but hidden...which ever way you want to look at it...
J.T.
It just really reminded me of my poor mom and the years and years of pain and I saw what she went thru...I gave her my number and told her to call me if she needed any info, help. And she can talk to my mom, she has learned so much about my disease...so on the ride home I broke down and told my mom I wanted to apologize for not being around, I was sorry for not telling her how beautiful she has always been and thank you for being the best mom anyone could wish for.
I even had the non-participater's mentally brewing today, I feel I am getting stronger and stronger and my effect on the groups are brewing stonger and stronger creating a bond everyone was looking for...
I'm addicted to being a great person, the person I used to be or how I was all along but hidden...which ever way you want to look at it...
J.T.
Today is 34, a little different than the past few days, today my family left me in the house alone, showing regrowth of trust, and I didn't touch nothing, no feeling of needing to hurt them or needing to get high, I just took a nap to help keep my mind from wondering. It feels good to see wounds on people I love so much heal up slowly in front of my eyes, boom hits the guilt and sorrow but I push it out and refocus on the positive attributes of the experience. I want to cry alot when I see these close to home things, but I don't cry no more, I can't even if I try...I think it has to do with forgiving myself and pushing the evils out, I don't need to cry...my goods are starting to lean on my evils/bads I think, I'm not going to count my chickens before they hatch. But I had a constant dump of evil/bad luck/karma pouring down on my head all the time...well it feels as tho it's starting to lessen more and more of a mishap or unfortunate event. I haven't lied to anyone in my close new life in a couple of weeks now, it was really hard to straighten that issue out within, but I'm getting the hang of it, no more self-pity, And resentments are starting ease everyday. The only thing that is still hard are 1) work is slow 2)I'm impatient to start this new life running and 3) Wanting to get to my Amends cause that is the only way I know to clear that from within me...but I try to check myself, I need to be patient and fully cleans myself before I can do that. So going to a meeting tonight to see what I can flare up in a positive way...and work on my step with a two sponsors. Impatience has always been a strong flaw within me, I gotta figure out how to harness this Beast inside. I know I will, it's nothing but up from here..........I pray.
Day 32 and almost 33 in an hour and a half...I went to my Monday meeting and spoke up first like always to get everyone fired up, I really think the meeting enjoys me there, I take it serious, through my recovery I share extremely real and uplifting emotions and philosophical enlightenments which just tears through the meeting leaving goosebumps...but anyways...I'm on my step four working partially with my several sponsors but mostly guided by the book...well I expressed I started but I'm on resentments and it is 20+ pages...it's gonna be aaaaaaaaaaa while, but that I was happy that I got to this point in recovery and was happy that I had everyone there for changing my life in the group. A individual spoke on being on the fourth step also and (I want to be confidential as possible but still share this experience with other's on this site) but wound down to wanting to share in words of their recovery to close ones in that person's life that were hurt and was very frustrated. I spoke up after and told "That I have many family and best friends far from here (my isolated location) and die inside to share my progress and share my steps and share the life changing things I learn everyday through my recovery, but my addiction hurt many of them and I have come to realize that I can't do that, words are no equivalent to if I give my self complete time and be patient within myself and wait for when, (hey it may be years maybe ten years), when...I am even healthier than I have gained so far and I have gained all the things I have lost over my time of addiction and gain a truly clean life...........I will sometime maybe come back around carefully and my recovery will just shine off me so true and pure like a glass house, that those I cared to share with in words so long ago....will SEE my recovery...just pouring off me...there will be no doubt in their mind that I am focused on my clean, loving, healthy (mental and physical) Life...And you know what if they won't except me back into their life with an open mind, well then they aren't worth my emotions then, because there is no way they're gonna bring me down."--End story...Today started out bad but I kept my head up with faith and it ended up with good news and I am happy, anxiety is a heightened emotion I'm riding like a wild bull but its gotta subside...I love my life, I love my family, I love my meetings and I can't wait till even more of this fog lifts...thanks to everyone that has part in this unforgettable journey...
That's a way I never viewed it, TRUE, but what do we do from here, does it dwindle off? Progressive gain? Really humbling experience, I feel raped of life...ummm...by myself. Shitty, the brain's gotta come back up to normal levels I hope...crazy...I guess it will keep me from being sidetracked...no natural highs=stay focused to me...but no warm fuzzies? Man life is crazy...good words Shawn...stay strong within your own shadows...
JT
JT
I know just how you feel because I feel that way for the most part. Everything isn't all sun shine if it was then what is sun shine??? What we must realize is when we was getting high the drugs took us to the highest level of pleasure/pain. So now we are trying to gain the same level of pleasure/pain from outside stimuli. It is a chemical deficiency within the brain, we have robbed ourselves of the simplest pleasures. This is why everyday things are so boring to us. We have taken our brains pleasures to the highest it can go, so we must force ourselves to do those things that we consider boring in order to create a balance in our out of control way of thinking...
I'm here, I'm young and I'm a sick puppy...just doin my days in a repeat to prevent change...self destructive as it is...it's working for now. Pretty bummed, work keeps me calling in with nothing going on which leaves a whole unplanned day, boredom, and to many unknowns. Pisses me off, I wanna start this new clean life on my feet and just keep getting kicked down no matter how good I am or how clean I clean-out the inside...waiting for the turn around...but it just seems every call into work just makes that pin hole smaller at the end of the tunnel. Stilling going to two or three meetings a week. Met a cool recovering chica with good clean time but I can't do nothing without a structured life created (working steady, on my feet and staying productive). I'm fading away...getting weak/discouraged and don't understand why god isn't taking my hand and walking me away from the things/person I hate. Hummff...guess I'll just pray and try to sleep without using nightmares...(not often)...today is 30 days clean and everyone talks how they felt invigorated and life changing on their birthday...I feel like I just keep slip fallin and can't get up. No relapse is gonna take me down again TRUTH but I'm different than all the happy cheery people I suround myself with at meetings. No matter how much a they explain, preach, try to make me feel the way they feel...don't change me. And I know what many would say..."oh it's you"...well ya it's me, it aint like I'm not trying to better, change, cleans, or better myself from the inside out, it doesn't seem to matter, I just keep slippin and falling right on my face...can't get up...but I have to get up....
