This article was submitted by Promises Rehab. Thank you for your submission! We always like to hear from rehab centers who believe in the 12 step philosophy.

At Promises we focus on the 12 Steps as a critical foundation for long-term recovery. By introducing our clients to the steps early in the recovery process we open their hearts and minds to the value of this community.  During treatment, clients are taken to local meetings in Malibu and West Los Angeles. They are asked to get a sponsor before the end of treatment, even if it is temporary sponsor they will leave when they return home.

Here we discuss two steps that are often seen as quite daunting by many in recovery: Steps 8 and 9. This discussion represents an interpretation by one writer and does not represent Alcoholics Anonymous or the other 12 step programs.

During our addiction, we find many ways to blame others for our problems. We felt harmed by others. In fact, we often blamed others for our drinking or use of drugs.  We only apologized when we did something obviously embarrassing, and usually followed the apologies with a promise to control our drinking.  We rarely addressed the damage we caused to relationships, the emotional health of our loved ones, or how we essentially cheated others to keep our addiction going.

After taking our moral inventory, we become more aware of just how much damage we caused.  When we move on to Steps 8 and 9 we make amends for specific damage.

Step 8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 8 is critical in recovery because it is an exercise in humility. As active alcoholics and addicts, we surely felt humiliated at times, but humiliation is much different than humility. Humility is an unselfish feeling that occurs when we examine the impact of our behavior in a larger context: that of the family and the community.

By making a list of the people we have harmed we are acknowledging our responsibility for our actions and behaviors.  It’s important to be as thorough as possible. Don’t worry about Step 9 and what you will have to say to others to make amends. Sometimes Step 9 trips people up: they are so worried about telling their wife about an affair they don’t want to add it to the list.  You will see later in this article, that Step 9 has some caveats: it’s not about hurting other people, it’s about admitting your culpability and giving some of those you’ve harmed a sense that you have truly claimed your behavior and want to change it.

How do we harm others with our drinking and drug use?  Here are just a few things that might seem familiar to you:

Ruining family events

Being cruel to your spouse, children, or friends

Driving your family when you are under the influence

Stealing to support your addiction

Cheating your employer with hangover “sick days” or poor performance

Disrespecting your loved ones, whether parents, children, or spouse

Embarrassing friends and family

Undermining family finances

These are very general things we do while drinking that cause harm. You will obviously have some specific incidents that stand out in your mind. Writing down the details can help you in recovery. If ever you start to romanticize your drinking or drugging, you can read this list again.

Once you have made the list, you may want to sit with it for a bit. You might remember something later. You also need to take the time to become truly willing to make amends. This does not mean you will be able to make amends to everyone, but you should be willing.

Then you are ready for Step 9.

Step 9. - Made direct amends to such people, wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Read Step 9 again. The devil is in the details. It does not say read your list off to anyone you have harmed. It says to make amends when possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Amends are intended to help you fully embrace responsibility for your behavior. However, this is not to be done in a way that simply causes more damage. It should, ultimately, be the most unselfish act possible.  It’s not about getting something off your chest: it’s about starting the process of repairing the destruction by fully admitting to those who have been impacted that you know what you did was wrong.

There are different opinions about how much you should say when making these amends. If you keep in mind that the goal is to show you are humbled by the recognition of your bad behavior and intend to continue to change for the better, you will stay on track.

Remember, these are your amends. You are not making amends for other people who participated in your destructive behavior.  Hence the part of the step that says “except when to do so would injure them or others.”  You don’t want to cause more pain with your amends. That would not be an unselfish act.

How do you handle amends that might cause injury to others?  Keep it general. Remember the phrase in the Big Book about sharing in a general way? That’s a good guideline.  This does not mean lie. It just means you don’t need to destroy the last semblance or your loved one’s self-esteem by telling them all the horrible things you did behind their back.  You can simply tell them something along the lines of this example:

“I want to make amends to you. I know when I was drinking I was a terrible husband. I lied to hide my addiction. I put the entire burden on you to keep this family together. I was not there for you. I am deeply sorry for this and I hope my behavior in the coming months and years will help you forgive me.”

Now, this is important: you should not expect immediate forgiveness. Your destructive behavior probably went on for years. It isn’t fair to expect a few words to open the door to total forgiveness. In fact, you should have no expectations when you make your amends. The amends are self-contained acts that serve their own purpose regardless of the reaction of the person you are making that amend to.  To expect anything in return would render this unselfish act selfish.

These two steps can be a dramatic turning point in your recovery. They are the doors, so to speak, to a healthier perspective on life. By opening admitting the harm you have done, you clearly recognize that you were not the only person impacted by your addiction and you begin to understand how important your actions are within your family and your community.

Article Submitted by Promises Rehab