“One of the biggest stumbling blocks to recovery seems to be placing unrealistic expectations on… others.”
– Basic Text, page 78
In early recovery, many of us arrive at Narcotics Anonymous (NA) feeling broken and lost, struggling with a deep sense of inadequacy. As we attend meetings and connect with others in recovery, we encounter people who appear to embody the spiritual principles we seek—wise, calm, and serene individuals who seem to have everything figured out. These individuals, with their months or years of clean time, become figures of admiration, and we may place them on a pedestal, expecting them to guide us through our early recovery with perfection.
But as time passes, we come to realize that even the most seasoned members of NA have their flaws and imperfections. This realization can be disillusioning at first, but it is also an important step in understanding the true nature of recovery and the human experience.
When we first enter recovery, we often feel vulnerable and unsure of ourselves. Many of us have spent years engaging in destructive behaviors, and as a result, we may feel a deep sense of shame or inadequacy. Seeing others in NA who have successfully navigated the program and appear to live by spiritual principles can be incredibly inspiring. We may start to rely on these individuals, expecting them to be pillars of strength, wisdom, and guidance. It can feel like they hold the key to our own recovery.
However, placing unrealistic expectations on others is one of the biggest stumbling blocks in our own recovery. When we see fellow recovering addicts as perfect or “superhuman,” we set ourselves up for disappointment. As the Basic Text says, “many of us come into Narcotics Anonymous feeling pretty poorly about ourselves,” and it’s tempting to elevate those we admire as flawless beings.
Over time, we begin to see the human side of our NA friends, sponsors, and group members. Perhaps someone misses a commitment, or we witness an argument between two long-time members. Maybe we discover that our sponsor has personal struggles or defects of character that we didn’t notice before. These realizations can leave us feeling disillusioned, even betrayed. But in truth, what we are experiencing is a necessary adjustment—one that helps us recognize the humanity of those around us and ultimately deepens our understanding of recovery.
When we see the imperfections of others, it’s easy to feel let down. We might wonder, “How can I trust these people if they aren’t perfect?” But the reality is, none of us are perfect. That’s why we’re in recovery. The people we admire in NA are ordinary recovering addicts, just like us, navigating the ups and downs of life while working the Twelve Steps.
Understanding that everyone in recovery is human, with strengths and weaknesses, is liberating. It allows us to release the pressure we’ve placed on others to live up to impossible standards. In fact, seeing the imperfections of our fellow members can strengthen our connection to them. We begin to realize that if they can make mistakes and still stay clean, so can we.
The Basic Text reminds us that somewhere between “the heroes of recovery” and “the lousy NA bums” lies the truth. Our fellow addicts are neither completely good nor completely bad—they are human beings striving for progress, not perfection. Accepting this truth helps us relate to them in a more meaningful way. Their struggles, shortcomings, and successes all offer valuable lessons that we can apply to our own recovery journey.
When we first start working with a sponsor or building relationships with others in NA, it’s easy to get caught up in the idea that they have all the answers. But part of our growth in recovery is learning to trust the experience of those around us, rather than expecting them to be flawless.
Our sponsors, friends, and group members may not always be perfect, but their experience in recovery is still invaluable. They have lived through the same challenges we face and have stayed clean despite the ups and downs of life. Their experience, strength, and hope can guide us, even when they themselves are still working through their own issues.
Rather than being disillusioned by the flaws of those we admire, we can learn to appreciate their vulnerability. Seeing their imperfections allows us to connect with them on a deeper level. We realize that they, too, are growing, learning, and recovering, just like we are. Their continued commitment to the program, despite their human shortcomings, becomes a powerful testament to the resilience of recovery.
One of the most beautiful aspects of NA is the sense of community and shared experience it fosters. We are not alone in our struggles, and we don’t have to be perfect to recover. By embracing the imperfections of ourselves and others, we build a stronger foundation for long-term recovery.
Recovery isn’t about becoming flawless; it’s about learning to live with our imperfections and continuing to grow despite them. As we move forward, we will encounter challenges, make mistakes, and face setbacks. But we can take comfort in knowing that this is a shared experience. We are all on this journey together, doing the best we can to live clean, one day at a time.
Rather than being disappointed by the imperfections of others, we can find strength in our shared humanity. Every person in recovery has something to offer, not because they are perfect, but because they are willing to keep showing up, keep trying, and keep growing. This willingness, more than anything, is what sustains us in our recovery.